COMING TO CONCLUSIONS

The Autobiography

Of

Peter Tristan Stuart

By

Gene C. McCoy

Book Three


Mexico - Revisited

COMING TO CONCLUSIONS

The Autobiography of Peter Tristan Stuart

by

Gene C. McCoy

BOOK THREE

CHAPTER 18

Compared with the Italian splendor of the Cristoforo Colombo the American Flagged Constitution was a troopship, and more than half of the passengers on the American ship were U.S. military dependents. While the stateroom that Marsha and I had on the Colombo had been large enough to accommodate a luxurious leather sofa, two lounge chairs and a double bed, my first class accommodations on the Constitution were tiny, not as large as a railway compartment, and furnished only with a bunk bed, a desk that folded into the bulkhead and a straight back chair.

The lady on my left at the Captain's table was a middle western, fortyish divorcee named Barbara Hutton who along with many other passengers had been stranded in Naples by an employees' strike against the Italian Line. When the Italians called the American Export Line to request assistance in transporting some of their passengers back to New York, American Export assumed that Barbara was the Barbara Hutton, and gratefully assigned her to the Captain's table. According to the other passengers there was pandemonium on the docks when all of the paparazzi in Naples showed up to capture the moment of Barbara's boarding on film. But, the photographers were disappointed when Ms Hutton turned out to be a rather plain, ordinary American woman wearing rhinestone trimmed, harlequin shaped glasses on her first tour of Europe. The Barbara Hutton at my table enjoyed the mistaken identity, however, and she played the role of her namesake to the hilt. By the time I boarded the ship in Spain Barbara was already deep into a love affair with Pepe, the ship's latin dance instructor.

On my right at the table was the wife of an American Army General who had a high ranking position in the NATO command structure in Turkey. As a General's wife she, of course, was accustomed to, even expected, the special treatment she received as a guest at the Captain's table, and she was rather disdainful of Barbara's course bourgeois behavior. One night while dancing with the generral's wife she told me that she would like to take me to a Greek Island for a weekend. It was a costume party and she thought I was very sexy dressed in a pair of faded Levis, Spanish alpargatas and my blue and white striped Mediterranean fisherman's shirt. I was, by at least ten years, the youngest man in the first class section of the ship.

In so far as I was concerned a transatlantic cruise with a place at the Captain's table was more than I ever imagined for myself, so I was very happy and excited. I shocked both Barbara Hutton and the general's lady, however, when one night I accepted an invitation to dine with another lady, Monique, and her two daughters. Monique, a French woman, was also married to an American Army officer who was only a Colonel, and was on her way to join her husband at Fort Dix in New Jersey.

The General's lady said, "You can't snub the Captain that way."

"I'm not snubbing the Captain," I said. "I paid for my transportation on this ship, and if I wish to dine with someone else, I feel free to do so."

"It just isn't done," Barbara Hutton said.

I felt so insecure in my judgements on social matters that I spoke to the Captain and explained that I had accepted an invitation to dine with some other ladies. "You wouldn't mind would you?" I asked.

"Of course I won't mind, Mr. Stuart," the Captain said. "You're perfectly free to do as you please. We shall of course miss your charm and wit at the table."

"Thank you," I said.

Before sitting down with Monique and her daughters that eventing I passed by the Captain's table to greet everyone and to apologize for missing dinner with them. The Captain was not dining at his table that night either.

I never figured out which of the two ladies the Chief Steward was thinking of when he said that there was a lady at the Captain's table who would appreciate my company. I suspect that the Steward did not know of Barbara's infatuation with Pepe, and that he had her in mind.

On the afternoon of the day before our scheduled arrival in New York I was playing bridge with Monique and an Italian couple when I heard my name being called over the ship's public address system. "Mr. Peter Stuart, you have a telephone call. Please come to the main desk."

"That's me," I blurted, then regained my composure. "It must be the White House calling," I joked, then excused myself to find the main desk.

The call was from Jeri Scalza, a close friend of Henri Fulton, who called to invite me to stay in her apartment in New York over the coming three day, Fourth of July weekend of 1964. "There are no strings attached," she said. "You are free to come and go as you please."

I had heard Henri talk of Jeri, and I knew that she was a talented, sophisticated and hard drinking, powerhouse of a woman who was in advertising and knew her way around the best bars and restaurants in New York City. I accepted her "gracious invitation," and said that I would call her the next day after I had cleared customs and immigration. "There's no need to call in advance," she said and gave me her phone number and address on the East side. "I expect to be home, but I'll leave a key for you with the doorman if I have to go out."

I was not particularly excited when the next morning, a Friday, we sailed up the Hudson River, passing the refineries in New Jersey, Staten Island, the Statue of Liberty and the skyline of lower Manhattan into the American Export's pier on the lower West Side. I had been gone for almost three years, and I was missing Europe, Spain, Thais and the Mediterranean more than I looked forward to reentering the United States. Monique stood beside me at the railing. "I was a fool last night," she said. "I wish I had accepted your invitation to go to bed with you."

I turned away from the view of the Jersey refineries to look at her, and I smiled. "It's just as well that you didn't, Monique. We both have a clear conscience this morning."

Even though my conscience was clear when on the dock Monique introduced me to her husband, he looked at me as though he thought I was guilty of at least lusting in my heart. "You have a very nice family, Colonel," I said. "You must be very proud."

"I am," he said and picked up some of the bags to throw them in a U.S. Army van. Monique looked as though she felt guilty for having lusted in her heart.

The Customs and Immigration clearance was fast and efficient, but I had to wait about two hours for my car to be off-loaded. All of the other passengers except a couple of others who were also waiting for cars were gone when the Volvo was finally lowered onto the pier. I threw my luggage in the back, and drove off the dock, turned left to drive uptown to 51st street, then pulled a right to drive East; on a spur-of-the-moment impulse I pulled into a loading zone at Sixth Avenue beside the Time-Life Building where Shell Oil Company had it's computer installation.

I jumped out of the car, locked it, and ran through the traffic across the street into the building to ride the escalator to the mezzanine where Janet Beltran, my old girl friend, had her office.

Despite not having written to her in over two years, Janet was pleased, even excited, to see me and we made a date for dinner that night. She walked with me to my car, we kissed and I continued on to Jeri Scalza's apartment.

I don't think I had a preconceived mental image of Jeri, but I was startled by her overpowering physical presence. Jeri was about five feet-ten with bright flaming red hair and she must have weighed three hundred pounds. She was flamboyant, spoke in a loud authoritative voice, gestured with her big hands and arms and tittered with a nervous, self-conscious laughter after every sentence she spoke.

Still dressed in a huge flowing tent-like dressing gown Jeri was drinking a bloody mary when I arrived, and judging from her rather unsteady movements I think she must have had several before my arrival. She offered me a martini, I accepted, and she gulped down her bloody mary to join me in a large, maybe triple, martini on the rocks.

"I'd invite you out to lunch someplace, but I'm too drunk to do it today," she said with disarming honesty after we had finished the second of her triple martinis.

Fortunately, I had eaten a large breakfast, so I was still ambulatory. "Not to worry, Jeri," I said. "I have a date with an old friend tonight, and there are a couple of other people I want to try and see this afternoon. I'll just move my bags up, shower and let you get some rest."

"You're a swee'har', Pete ," she slurred. "God! I must write to Henri and thank him for sending me such a luscious, beau'ful hunk of manhood." She stood up, steadied herself on the furniture and made her way to her bedroom. I could see large purple bruises on her legs where she must have fallen and bumped herself in the past. "Make yourself at home," she said. The bed groaned but held up when she fell on it.

I had an urge to leave and check into the San Carlos Hotel where I had always stayed when I came to New York from LA while working for Shell Oil, but my Scotch frugality got the better of my judgement; I decided to stay with Jeri and save a couple hundred dollars. I moved a bag up from the car, showered and dressed to meet Janet that night after work. Jeri was still asleep when I left the apartment.

I met Janet in Hurley and Daly's bar on the corner of 50th and Sixth Avenue. Hurley's was a watering hole for NBC, Shell and Jersey Standard people and became famous when the RCA building was constructed. The property owners held out and refused to sell, so the RCA skyscraper had been put up around the bar on 50th Street and a drug store on 51st that also was a hold out.

Hurley and Daly's was nostolgic for Janet and me since it was the place where we frequently met when I was working for Shell and we were having our on-again off-again love affair.

We had several drinks then headed east to Third Avenue where we had dinner at Manny Wolfe's Steak house, then to a new jazz joint that Janet liked on 52nd Street. We ended up at her place where I stayed overnight, and the next morning I talked her into driving with me to Washington, D.C.

By the time we had made love, showered together and eaten breakfast it was after noon, and Jeri was drunk when I arrived at her apartment to pick up my bags and the car. I had told Janet about Jeri and she came upstairs with me.

"Who in the fuck do you think you are coming in here, dropping your bags and leaving me waiting for you?" Jeri asked after I had used my key to open the door.

I stood in the doorway looking at Jeri still in her tent-like dressing gown and taking up half of the sofa. Janet stood just behind me, and I didn't think Jeri had seen her. "Why don't you wait for me down in the lobby, Janet," I said.

"Sounds like a good idea," Janet said and walked back to the elevator.

I walked inside and pushed the door closed behind me. "I'm sorry you were waiting for me, Jeri," I said. "I took you at your word, that I was free to come and go as I pleased." I walked to the guest bedroom to get my bag.

Jeri was still sitting on the sofa. I'm not sure she could stand up since I noticed that she was drinking one of her triple martinis on the rocks; I was sure that it was not her first. "Not only do you keep me waiting, all night, but you've got the fucking nerve to bring some little tramp off the street up to my apartment to screw her."

I walked out of the bedroom with my bag, then put the key on the table. "Goodbye, Jeri," I said. "I thank you very much for your hospitality." I walked to the door.

"Don't go, Pete ," Jeri said. She tried to lift herself off the couch but couldn't do it, and she just sort of wallowed. "I'm sorry. Tell your friend to come back up and we'll all have a drink together."

I pulled the door closed behind me without speaking.

"You fucking son of a bitch," she screamed from behind the door.

* * * * *

Janet was a Phi Beta Kappa math major from Brown University, bright and fun to be with, and we laughed about some of our past antics as we drove south through New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland to Washington, D.C. In South Jersey, while driving past a pig farm, we recalled how one night, while Marsha had been in California, we stayed up all night bar crawling in New Youk, then drove down to Island Beach to see the sunrise and surf fish. We cooked the fish we caught that night in Janet's apartment and she left the dirty plates with scraps on them in the sink. Three days later the place smelled like a hog farm and the sink was swarming with maggots. Janet couldn't stand to go near the sink and I had to clean up the mess while I gagged.

Then there was the time that I had been to a cocktail party in the Rainbow Room atop the RCA Building, and on the way out organized a group to go down to a flamenco joint in the Village called the Gay Chico. (Gay still was an acceptable word in those days.) The group included the President of Shell, his secretary, a Vice President of Exploration (I"ll call him Bill Smith) and me. About two o'clock in the morning The Presidet's secretary called a Cary Cadillac to take him and the VP to Connecticut, but Bill was not ready to go home, so the two of us, both drunk as skunks, went to Janet's place. Bill was stunned when he learned that Janet was a computer programer for Shell, and he wanted to get the hell out of her place as fast as he could. We ended up spending the night in a place belonging to another Shell employee, and then taxiing to work together the next morning.

"After you left I used to cringe everytime I saw Mr. Smith in the halls," Janet said. "One day I had to make a presentation in his office. I was scared to death that he would recognize me, and say something, or worse have me fired. He was very nice, though, didn't say a word. I don't know if he remembers me or not."

"How could he forget you?" I teased. "You're easy to remember, and so hard to forget."

"That's sweet of you, Pete, but I'd just as soon he would forget me."

Monday was a holiday and Janet and I spent the next two days sightseeing, eating, drinking and making love. I took her to the train on Monday evening for her trip back to New York, and we agreed that I would come back up to the city on the next Friday, but by that time I felt anxious to get on with the trip across the country. I was also feeling a little guilty when I called Janet and cancelled. She was very disappointed and I regret not having gone to see her again. That weekend in Washington was the last I ever heard from Janet.

After my consultation in Washington, I drove out to California for my homeleave. Marsha and I had a brief reunion, got drunk together, made love and I took the children down to a beach front apartment in Malibu for a month before leaving to drive to Mexico City where I was to be assigned for the next three years.

* * * * *

CHAPTER 19

Almost ten years had elapsed since I left Mexico after finishing college, and it was a source of great satisfaction to be assigned as a Foreign Service officer in the American Embassy after having been a student in Mexico. The embassy by the time I arrived was in a b rand new building located on the corner of the Paseo de la Reforma and the Calle Danubio just a few blocks from where I had lived as a student.

On one of my first assignments I worked on an agricultural credit program financed with American aid money that had run into implementation problems because bankers would not extend credit to ejidetarios, communal landowners, since under the land reform laws ejido land could not be pledged as collateral. Once, while attending a meeting with Bank of Mexico officials, one of the Mexican bankers cited a paper I had written as a student as an authoritative reference without realizing that I had been the author.

On another occasion, I was assigned to represent the embassy as a member of the site selection committee for a new campus of my old alma mater, Mexico City College, by then called University of the Americas. The U.S. Government, as a part of its foreign aid program, had decided to make a two million dollar grant to the University, and I had the pleasure of working with some of my old professors as they explored the various alternative sites. I jokingly told the dean of the school of business that there were not too many of the alumni who had been successful enough to make a two million dollar gift to the school. These incidents were sources of great pleasure for me, and were more than just ego strokes. They were manifestations that I was accomplishing what I had set out to do, and I knew such moments were rare in most people's lives.

I was in Mexico about a month when Thais came to visit and help me get set up in an apartment; it was sweet to have her with me, but I, of course, knew that the day would come when she would have to return to Spain, and I would be left alone again. Thais left just before Christmas of 1964.

At this stage I began drinking heavily, I got drunk almost every night, and while I had an occasional date with a women I was lonely. Even though the relationship with Marsha was problematical, at Christmas time I went to Califonria, and I once again worked out a so called reconciliation with her; after Christmas she and the children came to Mexico where we resumed family life, such as it was. It did not last long, and we again separated. By this time Marsha and I both drank a lot, fought a lot, and I chafed under the confining responsibility of being a father and husband. When Marsha left Mexico she left the children with me, and I engaged a young American girl, Jackie, as a "baby sitter," a woman, or girl better said, with whom I was soon sexually involved.

In July of 1965 I left the children with Jackie, flew to Madrid, and met Thais where we had the loan of Marge and Ralph Chamberlain's apartment. Thais was still living in Barcelona, and later both of us, along with Henri Fulton, flew up to Barcelona where we had a big party. There was a lot of drinking, and I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, by telling her husband how much I loved Thais, and that I wanted them to "work things out" between them. The guilt of the relationship had finally worn me to the point of desperation.

At about this time everything blew up in my face. Marsha, learning that I had gone to Spain, travelled to Mexico, and began calling me in Spain with a variety of threats, and I responded by rushing back to Mexico "to set things straight."

Once back in Mexico, I engaged an attorney and Marsha and I divorced; Jackie left Mexico; I began seeing a psychiatrist, and a modicum of pseudo serenity prevailed in my life.

I spent my weekends in Cuernavaca where I had some old friends, Ken and Maggie Howard, from my college days in Mexico. I read, sunbathed and played an occasional game of tennis. Even though I drank a lot, it was more or less controlled, and never once, in the three sessions per week for over a year, did the subject of my drinking ever come up with the psychiatrist. I do remember that as a part of the therapy the doctor had me take the MMPI psychological evaluation test, and the raw data showed that I "had a painful fear of rejection," and was destined for "long term psyhcological difficulties." The psychiatrist described my problems as "situational" and not pathological.

As I said, I withdrew from women, and was seeing the psychiatrist, but I was not totally withdrawn for long, and I soon began seeing women for dates - no involvement - and no sex. On one of these dates I went water skiing at Lake Tequesquitengo outside Mexico City, and I managed to crack a rib. I was in terrific pain the next day and called my friend, Doctor Dick Porter, for an appointment. (I had already reestablished contact with Dick, and I told him that I had run into his sister, Mimi in Spain.) I went to his office, and Mimi, who had just returned from Spain, was there assisting him as his nurse. I made a date to see her, and before long we were seeing each other quite often; despite a cracked rib and taped chest we were sexually involved.

The affair with Thais was not ended; when I left Spain after the July blow up, it was with the understanding that she would join me later in Mexico. Nevertheless, I was getting involved again with another woman. I say involved, because that is what I do. I become emotionally entwined with the women with whom I become sexually involved. Sex without emotional involvement is flat, stale, meaningless.

Even though I had told Thais in an early morning phone conversation that I was swampted with work and asked her to defer coming to Mexico, one evening while sitting at home I received another phone call from her. She was in Mexico City at the Maria Isabel Hotel right next door to the embassy where I worked. I went to the hotel, picked her up and brought her to my apartment. A very emotional scene followed when I told her that I had become involved with another woman, but in the end we went to bed together.

The next morning I saw the psychiatrist, and he flat out told me to stop seeing Mimi. "She has two children," he said, "and you don't want to be a father."

I didn't like being told who to see and not to see, but I did as he said. I called Mimi, and asked her to meet me for coffee in the Zona Rosa which was close to where we both worked. I can still see her running down the street to meet me. She was in love and excited about the prospect of seeing me. She was of course devastated when I told her that my psychiatrist had told me to stop seeing her. Thais left Mexico within a few days or a week, I honestly don't remember how long she stayed, and I was once again alone. I returned to my solitary life of weekends in Cuernavaca, alone, and I drank a lot, alone. That was the last time I ever saw or talked to Mimi.

This went on for several months, and my only human contact on an emotional level was with Rogelio, my psychiatrist. There was one brief involvement with Sali, an American woman, but that did not last, then I met Suzy Navarette, a bubbly, idealistic and highly motivated young American social worker who was working at the John F. Kennedy housing development in Mexico City. I liked Suzy a lot; we saw each other a few times, but before we could get started Suzy died in a tragic accident, asphyxiated by gas in her apartment, along with her brother and mother, and that gave me a good excuse to get drunk regularly, not that I really needed any excuses.

Shortly after Suzy died I was sent to the University of Pittsburgh for six weeks of in-service training, and on my way I stopped in New York for a reunion with Penny. I took the train out to her place in East Hampton and we drank and laughed a lot about that day in Badajoz when the Guardia Civil put us against the wall. Penny, by this time, had divorced Carlos and had married another painter who she had also divorced. I told her one day that we should think about getting married, and I invited her to Mexico so we could get to know one another better; she agreed to come during the next summer, and I returned to Mexico City.

This was early 1966, and the Vietnam war was at its peak. One morning I went into the Embassy and there was a cable waiting for me. I had been assigned to a job in the provinces of Vietnam. This provided another excuse for a good drunk that lasted several days. As it turned out my mother became quite ill at the same time, and I did not have to go to Vietnam; after I sobered up, I called a woman who my friends in Cuernavaca had suggested might make a nice dinner date. Her name was Yvette Candor.

CHAPTER 20

Yvette was a tall, elegant Mexican of French Breton and Spanish Basque extraction. People frequently comment that Yvette has the style, and a certain physical resemblenace to Jacqueline Kennedy. On her mother's side the family had been the owners of large haciendas before the revolution of 1910, and they could be characterized as Porfiristas, a term used by Mexicans to describe the old landed families that cling to and cherish the ideas of exclusivity and privilege that they have always enjoyed, especially under the regime of the last dictator of Mexico, Don Porfirio Diaz.

Her father, Don Victor Candor, a Breton Frenchman, had arrived in Mexico in 1910 during the final days of Don Porfirio's regime as a young, enterprising and adventurous engineer. He was a wily businessman, and unburdened by political prejudices or preferences, found the revolutionaries just as welcome as business clients as he had the pre-revolutionary Porfiristas. With careful investments, and a willingness to do business with all comers, he managed to amass a considerable amount of money. I was familiar enough with some of the more arcane and byzantine practices that characterize "doing business" in Mexico so that I had no illusions that Don Victor was a lily white Mexican version of Horatio Alger. Nobody amassed a fortune in Mexico in the Horatio Alger tradition; kickbacks, influence, and mutual back scratching were the ways fortunes were made in Mexico then as well as today.

As many young women from wealthy families, Yvette had travelled in Europe, and was perfectly suited to be the wife of a diplomat. In fact, she was better suited to diplomatic life than I was. She was well educated, and well travelled; she spoke French, English and Spanish, dressed beautifully and was at home at diplomatic cocktail parties and receptions. I remember one incident that took place when I first started seeing her. I made sure that I was on the guest list to a reception at the Ambassador's residence for the Fourth of July just so I could take Yvettee to it and impress her. I may have had all of the outside appearances of a successful Foreign Service officer, with my three piece Brooks Brother's suits, a nice apartment, a flashy red sports car and seemingly a lot of superficial polish, but inside I was a frightened little boy who came from a very humble alcoholic family, and who had to drink to screw up his courage to meet people. None of the differences in our personalities and backgrounds came to the fore during our courtship, though. Unlike my caution with Birgitta, three months after meeting Yvette I complied with State Department regulations and submitted my resignation from the Foreign Service and at the same time requested a securety clearance for Yvette and permission to marry a foreign national; she received the clearance and I got the permission. I called Penny to cancel our summer plans, and on Mexican Independence Day, September 16, 1966, Yvette and I were married in San Antonio, Texas.

The next day we returned to Mexico City where we had a large reception in her father's house in the exculsive Pedregal section of Mexico City. Among the guests, in addition to my mother and children, were don Jesus Silva Herzog, a leading itellectual and the editor of Cuadernos Mexicanos, several of my friends from the embassy and Enma Castro, the sister of Fidel Castro. The Mexcican and Cuban dignitaries were all friends of Yvette, and the reception seemed a suitable denouement for the story of the immigrant boy who had lived in a student's pension in the Colonia Santa Maria, the other and wrong side of town from Pedregal de San Angel.

It is difficult now, 28 years later to go back to that time, and get myself in the same frame of mind; nevertheless, I shall try and describe the years with Yvette.

It was in April, when I first called her. The Vietnam assignment was pending, and I told her on the telephone that it might be a brief friendship since I thought that I was leaving Mexico for Saigon. We made a date for dinner, and I took her to the Passy Restaurant in the Zona Rosa. It was a quiet, elegant small place where I went frequently. I was well known and we received good service. I suppose Yvette was impressed, and maybe I went there to impress her with my "man-about-town" worldliness. After dinner we went to my little penthouse apartment for coffee, and we talked. She told me a little bit about herself. She had just returned to Mexico from Paris where she had been studying art. She lived with her father in a large, elegant house in the Pedregal section of Mexico City. She did not work, but said she would like to. I asked her to come to the embassy, and told her that I would introduce her to someone who was looking to hire an assistant.

Within a few days she did come by the embassy, and I, as I had promised, introduced her to Marge Bowen, a tough minded, single woman Foreign Service Officer. Later Marge told me that she loved Yvette, but that she didn't have the skills that Marge was looking for. Yvette was disappointed, but took it well. We had dinner a few more times, and I asked her to accompany me on a trip to Oaxaca. She agreed, and we drove down in my red Volvo P 1800 sports car.

It was on this trip that we made love for the first time, and when we returned to Mexico City we began seeing each other regularly. We spent weekends in Cuernavaca with my friends, had dinner dates and went to the theater and art galleries together. We did all of the things that people who are falling in love do.

On the surface everything looked beautiful. I was a young, handsome and dashing FSO, and Yvette a wealthy and beautiful woman. But as I look back on it I believe that I felt I was living a sham. I felt inadequate, and inside I believed that I was not what I appeared. Moreover, rather than loving Yvette for herself, I think that I thought that I could find an "easier, softer way." I thought that her money would set me free from "fear of economic insecurity" and, I could quit the Foreign Service to live out my Hemingway fantasy of going to Spain to write. I talked to Yvette about this one night and she was not responsive to my fantasy. She wanted to be a Foreign Service wife, and even though she might have had her own fantasy about what the life of a Foreign Service wife would be, she later measured up to the reality of the hardship and trials of living in an isolated developing country.

When we talked of marriage, I told Yvette that I did not want any more children. She agreed, and went to see a gynecologist to arrange for a birth control method. The doctor told her that she did not need any birth control, and that she could not get pregnant; we left it at that. In September of 1966 we were married in San Antonio, Texas, and in June of 1967 we were transferred from Mexico City to Mogadishu, Somalia; Yvette was pregnant when we boarded the S.S. Orsova in Acapulco for the trip home to California and a five year odyssey that would take us around the world.

After a homeleave, in the same a partment in Malibu where I had spent my previous leave, with my children Laurie and Kevin and consultation in Washington, D.C., Yvette and I flew to Madrid where we visited with friends from my days in the Embassy there. Later we went to Paris to see some of Yvette's friends, and then on to Germany to pick up a Volkswagen which we drove across Europe down to Italy. We visited Amalfi, where Marsha and I had gone on my return from Libya, then left the car in Naples to be shipped to Somalia. Yvette and I returned to Rome on the train and flew on to Mogadishu.

Mogadishu in September 1967 was a much different place than the U.S. Marines would find in the early 1990s when President Bush ordered them to wade ashore to put a stop the to famine and anarchy that gripped the Horn of Africa. The following is the way I described it:

From the Straits of Aden south to the Equator the coastline of East Africa is a barren desert plain which over the centuries has been eroded by the Indian Ocean so that only an outcrop of limestone, pockmarked by wind driven sea spray, remains. For centuries the land was isolated and immune to outside influence. A coral barrier reef parallels the shore and serves as a natural protector against sharks and other predatory invaders in search of an easy meal, slaves or women. This was the place were the haughty and independent Lilith sought refuge when she was driven from the Garden of Eden. Her spirit is pervasive and lingering.

At about four degrees north latitude, a break in the reef affords entry to a small sheltered cove. In ancient times, slavers, traders and brigands, who plied the coast following the monsoon trade winds, brought their dhows and galleons in to seek refuge from heavy seas. They replenished water supplies and bargained for hides and meats with the nomadic herdsmen who roamed the countryside in search of water and grazing land for their stock.

These rowdy mariners found the fine featured natives to be noble, handsome and with a fine sense of humor, but too wispy and fragile to be worth taking to the slave markets. The women were docile and shy with large, almond shaped, eyes and small firm breasts capped with long purple nipples. The sailors considered the painful circumcision performed on the girls as they bloomed to puberty barbaric and cruel. But it so enhanced the sensual pleasures of physical love, they were willing to overlook the negative aspects of this primitive rite which seemed the only link these people had with their African neighbors.

On a promontory to the south of the "Window" as the break in the reef was called, a row of stick and mud "shambas" grew up and were eventually replaced by more permanent constructions as Arabic and European building techniques were introduced. A handful of the more enterprising natives left their nomadic brothers to set up stalls where mangos, bananas and papayas, brought from the river country not far away, could be traded to the hungry travelers for brilliant oriental silks, coffee from Zanzibar or beads and silver from the Arabian Peninsula.

During the heat of the day the sailors could pass their time in the cool, high-ceilinged coffee houses, situated in such a way so as to catch the sea breezes, Or they could lie with the women in a hashish or khat induced euphoria that exaggerated the firmness of the women's breasts, the length of their nipples, and eased the passage of time.

The town grew. Many nomads abandoned the rigors of bush life for the easier and more sophisticated ways of the city. It was not long before the lack of sewage and drainage facilities,coupled with the equitorial desert heat, made the seaside less pleasant. The town inched its way up the red sand dunes that rise up behind the pitted limestone cliffs. The wealthier of the new merchant class built villas and surrounded them with walls. From the river bottom they brought black soil so that bougainvillaea and hibiscus plants soon shaded their terraces that overlooked the sea. Flame trees with their dazzling red flower gave relief from the blistering equatorial sun in the afternoons. By evening it was pleasant to sip tea under the Southern Cross while listening to the music carried up the hill on the breezes from the herdsmen's camps on the outskirts of town.

Wealthy traders and ships' captains were treated to feasts of roasted goat's meat, samuzzas stuffed with spiced peppery greens, camel steak, and sweets made from honey and fermented goat's milk. For Christians there were European wines; oriental teas and thick Arabic coffee were available for the faithful of Islam. Special guests were honored with virgin daughters,presented after meals freshly bathed and scented with jasmine. The girls were taken to bedrooms on the second level of the villas to lie with the guests on rich Persian rugs and silk cushions while watching the slow, rolling waves breaking over the reef. For those of another persuasion there were slim-hipped Bajuni boys who, in order to learn their trade as fishermen, were committed to a ships's master who used them as sailors,companions and sexual partners.

The town prospered and it was known from Aden to Dar es Salaam as a place for satisfaction of sensual desires, easy living and vice. It was natural that it should become a haven for every sort of adventurer and outcast. Money was the equalizer of men. No inquires were made about one's past.

As slavery in the civilized parts of the world began to disappear, the easy money on which the town had grown became scarce. Fewer ships called the port. For those who had accumulated enough gold it was an easy trip by dhow to the south where in the more fertile areas of Kenya and Tanganyika European settlers were arriving. Commerce was replacing trafficking in human misery. The coffee houses closed. The villas on the dunes were abandoned and soon weathered away into decay and ruin,eventually to be reclaimed by the shifting red sands.

After this brief flourish the town drifted back to obscurity where it slept for the next several hundred years. In the pre World War II period the Italians made a half-hearted effort to colonize the area. It was not until the "Cold War" and the declarations of African independence that it again received attention from the rest of the world.

With the coming of the competition for African favor amongt he world's great powers, ambassadors from the major capitals were sent to represent their governments. Agriculturists, medical teams and teachers were brought in to stimulate the wakening of these nomadic anachronisms. Like their predecessors, these new foreign visitors found the people handsome and likeable. The women were as appealing to this group of diplomats and technicians as they had been to the ancient mariners and slavers.

On the red sand dunes the villas were rebuilt, this time to house ambassadors, embassy officers and representatives of the aid giving organizations. Using the same black, river bottom,soil as the former merchant princes gardens were planted. In the evenings the sea breezes were filled with the laughter of people practicing the ancient rite of attending diplomatic cocktail parties and receptions.

Along the narrow strip of sand behind the barrier reef, that came to be known as the Lido, simple beach huts sprouted up. Weary families sought relief from the heat and monotony of diplomatic entertaining by sun bathing, swimming in the sea and sipping long gin drinks. At the far end of this row of scrubby beach huts an enterprising Somali opened the Lido Club where youthful diplomats, teachers, medical volunteers and oil men danced the latest western dances with the sloe eyed native women who followed their ancient profession.

In the center of town little improvement had been made inthe drainage and sewage facilities. The accumulation of humanity and desert heat produced the same unpleasant odors. Cripples, lepers and syphilitics crawled the dusty streets in search of baksheesh. Gangs of abandoned children roamed the souk awaiting an opportunity to snatch a purse from a European woman, or press their naked emaciated bodies against her crisp linen dress.

The high point of any week was the day that the once-a-week Alitalia jetliner arrived from Rome with new faces, mail and imported delicacies. On these days the entire community gathered in the airport in a holiday atmosphere to greet new arrivals, or bid farewell to the fortunate ones who were leaving. They exchanged the same gossip that was bandied about at the never ending round of cocktail parties and receptions.

Heat, bitterness, boredom and frustration left husbands and wives on the verge of divorce and separation and with little physical interest in one another. It was natural that many kept their minds alive by carrying out little flirtations with an attractive member of the opposite sex. More marriages were saved by a liaison than were broken. For most people the planning,cunning and excitement of conducting a love affair in this climate of compulsive socializing was almost equal to the relief of an illicit physical union. For others, the targets, the objects of their affection, or other obsessions, became their raison d'etre.

And just below the surface there was always the spirit of Lilith, the seductress, the child-killer who appeared to old men in their dreams. This was Mogadishu.

CHAPTER 21

Once we were in Mogadishu Yvette set about getting a house organized, and I got into my work. The house was an old Italian colonial residence with thick walls, high ceilings and archaic plumbing, but Yvette soon had it tastefully decorated, and liveable. She knew how to handle and train servants, and before long our head man and cook, Aden, had a wide repertoire of recipes. Mohammed, the houseboy, kept the house spotless and became an excellent bartender and waiter; later, after Christine was born, we had Hibu, a beautiful Somali girl, to care for her.

In November of 1967 Yvette left Mogadishu for Kagnew Station, a U.S Military base in Asmara, Ethiopia to, in State Departmentese, "terminate her pregnancy." I was able to join her just before she went into labor, and on December 21, 1967 Yvette gave birth to Christine Elizabeth. On Christmas Eve we brought Christine out of the hospital to the nurse's quarters on Kagnew Station, and on New Year's Eve we flew to Addis Ababa, then on New Year's day of 1968 we returned to Mogadishu.

There was nothing in Yvette's background to prepare her for going off to Africa with a man she had known only a few months to set up a household and give birth to a child, but she showed that she had inner stamina and fortitude that went beyond her experience. For my part I will say, with considerable understatement that I could have done better. I was too selfish and self centered. I drank too much. I did not have enough compassion for what Yvette was experiencing, and as if we didn't have enough on our hands to deal with, I complicated matters when I brought my son, Kevin, out to Somalia live with us.

Yvette and I took the children to Madrid for the month of December 1968 where we were able to rent a furnished apartment in the same building I had lived in when I was in the embassy. We spent many nights in the Cafe Gijon with Henri Fulton, had lunch with Thais who was again living in Madrid, and we travelled to Calpe where we almost bought a piece of property. Many years later I was on a plane flying from Madrid to Khartoum, and I sat next to a Spanish real estate broker. He was on his way to Cairo to try to sell a piece of property to a wealty Arab.

"Do you know Calpe?" the broker asked me.

"Yes," I replied. "Very well."

He reached in his briefcase and pulled out some photos. "This is the place I'm trying to sell," he said and handed the photos to me.

The photos were of the same piece of property that we had looked at, and could have bought for $15,000.

"How much are you asking for the place?" I asked.

"A million, six hundered thousand dollars," he replied.

In February of 1969 I was again transferred when my old boss from Madrid, Tom Blacka, asked me to join him in Pakistan. We left Mogadishu and flew to Nairobi, Kenya, and then on to Karachi, Pakistan where we walked into the middle of a revolution, and once again Yvette showed that she had a lot of inner strength. The next few months were trying. The civil situation in Pakistan was tense and dangerous. We had to move two times; we were first assigned to Lahore, and then to Rawalpindi.

When the civil disturbances diminished I brought my mother and my daughter, Laurie, out to visit us, but during this entire time I was drinking heavily; Yvette and I were becoming estranged; I was unhappy with my job, and dissatisfied and tormented with anger, confusion and doubts about myself.

At the end of the summer of 1969 my mother left Pakistan taking Laurie and Kevin with her, and in late September, Yvette, Christine and I left for Bombay, India where we boarded the S.S. Pacifique for a 22 day cruise through the Orient to Colombo, Bangkok, Singapore, Hong Kong, Kobe, and finally on October 21, 1969, my fortieth birthday, we sailed into Yokohama. I was able to recognize some landmarks from the first time I had sailed into that harbor twenty-five years earlier on the Liberty Ship William C.C. Claiborne in December 1945. From Tokyo we flew on to Honolulu, had several days of sightseeing, then boarded another ship for San Francisco, and spent our homeleave in Los Angeles and Mexico City.

While we were on our homeleave I received word from Washington that rather than return to Pakistan, I was to report to Quito, Ecuador for assignment. Thus, quite apart from all of the turmoil caused by my drinking, and by introducing my mother and children from my previous marriage into our lives, the natural course of events in a Foreign Service career had taken us to three continents where Yvette gave birth to a baby, set up four households, cared for herself, Christine and Kevin while coping with an alcoholic husband.

CHAPTER 22

We arrived in Quito in December, 1969, where once again we found a country on the verge of civil war, but we began settling in. Despite the political upheaval and periods of civil unrest, we found a lovely house, and were soon involved in an active social life that included black tie dinner parties, weekends of bullfighting at tientas on the ranches of some of Ecuador's most prestigious families, and a lot of cocktail parties and receptions.

There was a chiaroscuro contrast to our lives, though. On the one hand we were surrounded by poverty, civil disturbances and danger. Yet on the other we attended parties, drank and lived as though the reality of day to day life as we witnessed it did not exist. I, of course, had seen grinding poverty and deprivation during our years in Africa and the Indian sub continent, and while it pained me, I did not experience the feelings of guilt that I did, living in Latin America like the old oligarchy, while being in the midst of a social revolution. The racial and cultural differences between me and the Somalis or Pakistanis were too great so there was no personal identification by me with their struggle. That was not the case in Latin America. I could and did identify with the people who were struggling to achieve freedom and social justice. Yvette, of course, could not understand at all what I was talking about since she had always enjoyed a position of privilege. The selectivity of nature did not trouble her. In her view there was some divine order that gave her a privileged place in the struggle for survival, and she did not question that order.

I have never had much tolerance for ambiguity, and this "Dolce Vita" like contrast in my life began to erode my soul. My nightly drinking bouts became worse, and Yvette and I fought a lot about insignificant things. I thought it was because of the cultural or language gap between us. In fact, I looked for every possible reason except my drinking for the source of our difficulties. She knew nothing about alcoholism, nor at that time did I, and she saw much of my sometimes bizarre behavior as childish irresponsibility. For a while she thought my moodiness and tendency to continue drinking at home after we had been to a reception or cocktail party was because of dissatisfaction with her. Later she thought it was because of our cultural differences even though she knew that I was as much at home in a Latin, Spanish speaking environment, as I was back in Washington.

Bilingual in English and Spanish, married, to a wealthy and beautiful Mexican woman, and with tours in Madrid, and Mexico City behind me, my career was advancing in storybook fashion. By all appearances I was one of the anointed career Foreign Service officer s who would make it all the way to the top. But all of the issues that separated Yvette and me were real, and they influenced my work.

There were significant differences in our backgrounds so that our attitudes about living with poverty were different. There were cultural and language differences, but there was nothing that separated us like the alcoholism, and the sad truth about this disease is that the real issues that separate people do not get dealt with, nor does the bonding that binds people together occur. Alcoholism obfuscates and muddies the waters, so that interpersonal relationships become bizarre, house of mirrors nightmares, and things are never quite what they appear, never quite what you think they are. That is why they say that alcoholism is, "cunning, baffling and powerful."

The deterioration of our domestic situation was nothing, however, compared to the deterioration of the civil situation in Quito, and six months after our arrival the embassy quietly suggested that dependents be moved out of the country to a safe haven in anticipation of an all out evacuation.

Yvette and Christine left Quito for Mexico, and I was left alone. The relief from our domestic squabbles did relieve some of my stress, and I managed to control my drinking. My work took on new significance, and I found the next few months challenging as I watched the political crisis grow until in a bloodless, predawn coup the military finally deposed the tottering and inept civilian government.

During the honeymoon of martial law there was a return to a semblance of normal activity. Then, as fate will sometimes have it, a strange and inexplicable chain of events occurred that irrevocably altered my life.

It was in the last days of the Vietnam war, and Ecuador was on the verge of becoming a major oil producer. Watergate was still on the horizon, and for the most part the administration was preoccupied with the war in Southeast Asia. El Salvador and Nicaragua were sleepy Central American banana republics and far away from the front pages of the New York Times and Washington Post. Serving in the Latin American Bureau of the State Department at that time had been a halcyon calm before the storm that would bring in terrorism, embassy occupations and violence toward diplomats on an unprecedented worldwide scale.

There was a cadre of skilled, professional diplomats in the Latin American Bureau who had not lost sight of the fact that U.S. interests were not all focused in the Mekong Delta, Saigon and Da Nang. They saw the U.S. becoming increasingly dependent upon politically unstable mideast oil reserves, and they recognized the significance to the U.S. economy of new reserves which were coming on stream in Mexico and Ecuador.

The Government of Ecuador, a well intentioned, fumbling military regime, but dedicated to reform and the return to civilian rule, expropriated and nationalized the telecommunications facilities of the ICC company. Because of an antiquated and cumbersome piece of U.S. legislation known as the "Hickenlooper Amendment" the U.S. was required by law to automatically suspend all economic aid to Ecuador unless the government made prompt payment for the expropriated properties.

That prompt payment clause had been the hooker. The GOE (Government of Ecuador) was on the verge of bankruptcy. The communications worker's union went on strike demanding that ICC pay them severance pay, and enlisted the support of the university students who were always anxious to take to the streets to support any anti-American cause. Because of the general discontent among the population with the prevailing economic conditions the strike spread and threatened to bring the country to the brink of anarchy. Demonstrations, disruptions of normal life and civil strife again became daily recurrences. In an attempt to quell the rising tide of violence the government, in typical military fashion, overreacted.

In a bizarre movement by the Government of Ecuador a snag developed in the negotiation and settlement of a claim which the giant multi-national corporation, Intercontinental Communications Company, had against the Government of Ecuador. Failure at that time to reach a satisfactory conclusion could have resulted in the breaking of diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Ecuador, pushed Ecuador into the Soviet orbit, and would have threatened U.S. access to the new oil reserves.

During an especially brutal confrontation with a mob, a student was accidentally killed when his skull was crushed by a tear gas grenade launched by a frightened and trigger-happy soldier into a screaming crowd that was demonstrating in front of the embassy. The university was closed, the campus was occupied by combat equipped paratroopers, and a dusk to dawn curfew was imposed.

It was in this climate that I started a love affair with a local employee in the US Mission. I had worked late one night, and as I rushed to get home before the curfew started I ran into this young woman, I'll call her Elena, who asked me for a ride. She was going to visit a friend who lived near where I lived. She did not go to the friend's house; she came with me to my house where we drank and ended up in bed together. It was a very unsatisfactory experience, and because of drink and guilt I was unabale to perform. She said, "think about love." I went to sleep. I took her home early the next morning after the curfew was lifted for the day. Elenaa worked in the same office as I did, spoke perfect English, had a good sense of humor, and, in her mini-skirts, was a very attractive addition to the office and my morale. I frequently stayed in the office at noon, and worked late at night so we had many opportunities to be alone with each other. The sexual tension between us increased almost daily until for me Maria became an obesession.

* * * * *

I rolled out of bed and slipped my feet into a pair of woolly slippers, and after getting myself a cup of coffee, I returned to my bedroom and opened the drapes to look out over the long Andean valley below.

The lights of the city were still visible in the chilly dawn. In the newer La Carolina section of the city blue mercury vapor lights of the type used on American freeways cast a ghostly pall over the big houses where the diplomats, politi,cians and wealthy families lived. To the south, the old colonial barrios shimmered like a pool of molten gold. This was the part of town where Elena lived. The first hint of sunrise could be seen on the peak of Mount Pichincha, the snow capped volcano, that guards the south entrance to the valley. There was a moment, just before the sunlight of a new day spilled over the peaks of the Eastern Cordillera when the entire valley had a soft amber glow and seemed like a painting of suspended animation.

I used this time of day to reflect on my life, and I found that when I slept in I missed not having had this time with myself. That day my thoughts were of Yvette and Elena. I was leaving Quito to join Yvette in Mexico for some vacation together before she returned to Quito

. After a few days of visiting in Mexico City Yvette, Christine, our maid Betty and I flew to St. Lucia in the Caribbean for a week then returned to Quito. Shortly after our return I arranged to borrow an apartment from a single friend and Elena came one afternoon to meet me. Once again, because of guilt I was only half functional, and at the conclusion of our unsatisfactroy tryst she said, "I can't see you any more."

"It was that bad was it?" I joked.

"No, it was fine," she said. "I can't see you because I have betrayed our love and I'm leaving Quito. I made love with another man; he's married and I think I'm pregnant."

"It's pretty neat the way you can love so many men at the same time," I said and pulled on my pants.

It was near Christmas and there was a round of parties that soon became despedidas for Elena. There was one horrible episode at a Christmas party just before Elena left Quito in which I, well into my cups, stood in our house, right in front of Yvette along side Elena and said, "I'm in love with Elena."

Yvette turned and walked away from us, but she was visibly shaken and hurt. I don't think she could ever forgive me for that thoughtless cruelty, and I'm not sure that I blame her. A few weeks later Elena left Quito for New York and she was visibly pregnant. Many people, including Yvette, I think, thought I was the father. I wasn't, and many years later I learned who the father is.

At about the same time I received word that my sixteen year old daughter Laurie had been in a car accident in California and was in the hospital. On New years day of 1971 I flew to California and brought Laurie back to Quito with me.

Laurie and Yvette did not get along, and a few weeks later Yvette went back to Mexico; a month later I left Quito on leave to join her. Unbeknownst to me she had stopped taking birth control pills since, as she later told me, she did not expect to see me again. We of course made love; Yvette did return to Quito with me, and two months later she learned that she was pregnant. In November of 1971 Yvette went to Cuernavaca, Mexico when she got close to her delivery time, and in December our son, Sean Maria Victor was born. It was time for my home leave, and I joined Yvette in Cuernavaca just after the birth, then flew to California to visit my family and pick up a new car.

Although we had a pleasant home leave it was not without some of my usual complicating gyrations. First of all rather than just enjoy the leave with Yvette, Christine and our new baby, Sean, I proceeded to bring Laurie, Kevin and my mother to Mexico, and later when they had gone, I invited a couple from Ecuador to visit with us. Yvette, Christine, Sean and I returned to Quito together in February of 1972.

I had a difficult time getting back into the harness of regular working hours; I found my work lacking in satisfaction, and I continued to drink. At one point I suggested to Yvette that we leave the Foreign Service and go to Spain. I wanted to write a book, I said, about Latin America, and I could do it better from Spain. Just as she did the first time I mentioned this subject, before we were married, she gave me an emphatic no to the suggestion; and I can not really fault her for not wishing to take off with me on what must have appeared to her as a fantasy trip.

GO TO CHAPTER 23

Gene McCoy ) July 1998

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