LOVE ENERGY A Sailor Moon Lemon Kristi: a Lemon eh? So the author knew it was going to be bad! aha! Hotaru: Ano.. Michi-mama, why do they call it a lemon? Michiru: Ah.. ^_^;;; Because it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. by Sailor Mac Ronald: Welcome to Macdonald's can i take your order? Kristi: yes... i would like a Sailor Mac with a medium fry and an orange soda please... jules what do you want? Julia: I would like a six-piece McNugget with honey sauce, and a coffee shake. Outer Senshi: What about us!? Billy: Better make that a twenty-piece. And can I have a quarter pounder with cheese? Negaverse General Hematite sat in the main throne room of the palace that had once been Queen Beryl's, brooding. Hematite: brood... broooood... They had come so close. So close to restoring the rule of the Dark Kingdom. Wotite Julia: Oh, Woe is me! Garrison Keilor: It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. had guaranteed them that attacking the Olympic Games would give them enough energy to take over the Universe. Julia: [deep voice] Men, we're going to the Olympics. Grr! Kaori: Master Tetsuoooooooo...! Julia: [pats her on the head] Victory was within their grasp-at last, they would succeed where Beryl had failed. Then those Sailor brats had to ruin everything. Again. Usagi: but of course! Not this time, you little twerps, Hematite thought. You may have done in Wotite, Julia: [louder] oh, WOE is ME!!! Garrison: Lake Wobegon -- Where the Women are strong, the Men are good looking, and all the Children are above average. Thank you. but you won't be able to stop me. I know of an energy pool so rich, so unstoppable, Julia: That.. that.. You won't be able to stop it!!! Kristi: *Gasp!* No! Nooooo! that I will be able to collect enough energy to take over the universe in no time. He summoned his minions. Hotaru: [crying] boo hoo hoo.. sniff, sniff. Haruka: Why, Hotaru, what's wrong? Hotaru: Minions always make me cry... Julia: [absently] .. i always cry at weddings... Michiru: Hotaru! Minions aren't the same as onions. Hotaru: [stops crying] They're not? Kristi: [whips out bass and stums a chord] SUMMON THE MINIONS Outer Senshi: eek! "I want you to go to Earth and start collecting the sexual energy of humans who are in love. . ." Kristi: weeelll... isn't that a change. what are you going to do... stop at a playboy mansion?? Wicked City Demon Slut: My! He's a healthy one let's see if i can wake him up! Kristi: ug... go away * * * "What's with Miss Haruna today?" Molly whispered to Serena. Julia: Don't let her molest you! Kristi: eek! Beware if she ask you to stay after class for a little bit- just say no. Serena, who had been daydreaming about being a world-class figure skater again, Haruka: Oh, Odango Atama, not *again*! snapped back to reality at the sound of Molly's voice. "Huh-what?" "Miss Haruna! Yesterday, she was all bouncy and happy because she was going out with that new boyfriend of hers. Today, she can hardly keep awake!" Julia: .. it's that pin she's wearing! It's actually from the Negaverse! Michiru: That sounds familiar. Serena looked at her teacher, whose head bobbed up and down as she woke, doze, and woke up again. Mr. Moe Salesman: It's a remarkable thing, this gadget. You press the button and your teacher falls asleep. You hit it again and she wakes up. Who wants one!? Melvin: I do. [takes controler and fiddles with the button] Kristi: o dear. Looks like the date went *real* well, Serena thought. But even if it did, she wouldn't be *that* tired. I don't doze off like that even after Darien and I have been. . . Usagi: ... have been playing pool and then we go out and bowl with big fat guys named al who have weekend barbeques and wear "Don't mess with the chef's buns" aprons... and then after that we go to Reno and play on the slot machines and well one time Darien got up and tried to impersonate elvis. After that we go back to my apartment and .... play BINGO, yes we play bingo with mr. page - the french teacher who can't even speak english and he says "Bango"... and- Kristi: [clamps hand on Usagi mouth] Julia: [begins to convulse] He.. M. Page, I mean.. He.. makes you keep the boards, doesn't he? He says you'll be able to use them again, doesn't he? DOESN'T HE!? Kaneda: .. BASTARD...! [pantomimes crashing bike into wall] "Maybe she's sick?" "She's not coughing or sneezing or anything like that." Kristi: hack hack! cough! weeze weeze... Aheeewww! "Oh, let's try to stop figuring out what it might be. Let's just enjoy not having to do work!" * * * Raye was just getting started on her chores for the day when the Makunas entered the temple. The young couple had been married there just a month before, and Raye had helped her grandfather with the ceremony. They had looked so vibrant and happy that day. . . They looked the polar opposite of vibrant today. Julia: In fact, they have Bipolar Personality Disorder, but that's another story. She watched the sickly couple approach the altar, and could not help overhearing the prayers they muttered. . . "Please, heal us of whatever is wrong with us. . .the doctors have no idea how to help. . .we've been so weak, so sick these last few days. . ." Kristi: imagine that! so hasn't ms haruna! Oh, Gods, Raye thought, please, not again. Kristi: Gods? plural... wha? huh? are we in greece? When are they going to give up? Hematite: NEVAH! mwahahahahahahaaaa! Julia: What, never? Hematite: [sings along] No never. Julia: [incredulous] What, *never*? Hematite: Well.. hardly ever. Julia and Sisters and Cousins and Aunts: So give three cheers and one cheer more for the good old captain of the Pinafore! Hematite: The *what*? Sister/Cousin/Aunt: The HMS Pinafore. Julia: Uhh. [covers up mouth of Sister/Cousin/Aunt] She means the Negaverse. Hematite: Okay. Have they got an inexhaustible supply of generals and goons? Julia: Actually, they know of an energy pool so rich, so unstoppable, that they will be able to collect enough energy to take over the universe in no time.. SUMMON MY MINIONS!!! I thought that Nagano would be the end of it. . . She knew what she had to do. She went into the room with the sacred fire. Kristi: da dum dum! the SACRED FIRE! the new hit single from the new goth band: Deadly Circus... Julia: Hmm. Sounds a little too much like Paula Cole.. :) can we call our single "Summon the Minions"? Doesn't that sound Goth? Kristi: [whips out bass again] swell! ready? [strums a chord] SUMMON THE MINIONS! grr. * * * Amy got home from school, made herself a sandwich, Michiru: [to Amy] That's funny, Amy, you don't *look* like a sandwich.. and picked up the phone to check in with her mother before starting her studies. Kristi: amy always had to ask her mom premission to study... "Hi, Mom. How's things been today at the hospital?" "Bedlam. There's been people flooding in all day, complaining of being weak. Mostly young couples. It's the damnedest thing-nobody can find any solid medical cause for it." Julia: We found a couple mushy ones, though. (Get it? Love energy, mushy causes? Uh..) Kristi: he he he Amy found herself pulling her communicator out of her bag and putting it on the table. She had a feeling she'd be hearing it go off very soon. . . Kristi: beep! beep! beep! Ranma: this pager's drivin' me crazy... * * * Darien unpacked the grocery bags, putting the steak and potatoes and salad greens on the table. He was cooking dinner for Serena tonight. Julia: Correct me if I'm completely off target here, but steak, potatoes, and salad hardly sounds like a romantic dinner to me. Billy: While I may be no expert on this reality, that is *not* a good meal to cook your date. It was Friday, and she was planning to sleep over, as she so often did on weekends. Kristi: [smirk] oo... a *slumber* party... yeah... sure... Normally, he'd be smiling and humming, full of anticipation for the night ahead. But now, he felt uneasy. *Very* uneasy. Julia: Maybe it's because he's about to commit statuatory rape. That would bother me a little. He heard his door buzzer, and pushed the intercom. "Serena?" Kristi: no it's grandma! i've come to visit! "It's me, Muffin! Ready or not, here I come!" Darien: o serena! my little spore! Michiru: Sweetheart? Haruka: Yes, Dumpling? Michiru: Can I call you "muffin" from now on? Haruka: Of course, Pumpkin. cough, cough. Billy: What's that? Julia: .. Am I still your Usa, Billy? Billy: Sure you are. Are you still my long lost pal? Julia: If I can call you Benny. Billy (Benny): That's great. And.. I can call you Al? Julia (Al): Anytime. "Come right up, baby. I'm just starting dinner. . ." Her trademark knock sounded on the door a short time later. He opened the door, fully expecting her to fling herself at him. She met his expectations. Kristi: and then they got it on... Usagi: [smack] not yet! grr. "Oooh, I'm so glad to see you, Muffin!" She brought her mouth to his, and they kissed tenderly. "I haven't seen you since. . .Sunday, wasn't it?" "Yes. I'm sorry, Meatball Head, but I've been busy with midterms and. . ." "It doesn't matter-I've got you all to myself now." She kissed him again. Why was he feeling that dread rising in the pit of his stomach. . . "Have a seat," he said. "I'm going to make the salad and put on the steak and potatoes." Kristi: darien! you don't put on steak and potatoes! they're not clothes! Julia: Ha ha ha! Haruka: Oh, I think Darien would look very nice with a pat of butter on his head. Kristi: how about a stalk of asparagus coming out of each ear as well? heh. They chatted about school and their friends as he worked in the kitchen and she sat on the living room couch, channel-surfing as they called back and forth to each other. When she reported Miss Haruna's mysterious illness, he got that sick feeling of dread again. Finally, he was able to join her on the couch. He put his arms around her and pulled her close to his chest, his lips touching her neck, then her chin, then her mouth. "Did you get more beautiful since I saw you last?" he asked. Julia: No, you're just senile. "Flattery will get you everywhere." Julia: And we do mean *everywhere*. Ahem. She pulled his head to hers, and they kissed, hard, deep and wet. He slid his hands under her blouse, touching her bare stomach, moving up toward her... Kristi: Ding! Steaks done! Juila: Kristi, did you put the "..." in there? Kristi: mmm... yeah... don't disintagrate me please. i thought maybe it would be too explicit if i left "breasts" in there... o well i can put it back. [flings hands up] Sparkling wide sentence return! He slid his hands under her blouse, touching her bare stomach, moving up toward her breasts. Kristi: good? ne? Julia: Good isn't the word I'd use. :) I feel like a grown-up now. Hotaru: TRAUMITIZATION! Haruka: Shh! And then, the report came from the TV, which was tuned to a local station's news broadcast. "A mysterious illness has been sweeping the city, an illness which is being called the sexual flu. Kristi: sexual flu? can me call it the Moo Shoo Flu instead? pleeeeeeeease. .. it's much more fun to say! Julia: You'd be surprised how many newscasters actually *enjoy* saying "sexual flu" on live nationwide broadcast. Area hospitals report an influx of young adult patients, all of whom claim that they began feeling weak and sickly after making love. . ." Kristi: i don't need to know... Julia: How did the officials figure that out, exactly? "You say you're feeling weak and sickly? Hmm. Are you vaccinated? Have you been preforming any strenuous activity? Have you taken any recent vacations to foreign countries? ... Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?" Their heads broke apart and snapped toward the TV. Julia: Oh, *YUCK*... Who's going to clean *that* up...? Kristi: [falls off chair laughing] ha ha ha ha! Makoto: um... Kristi-chan? are you ok? "Doctors have not been able to find any organic cause for the mysterious illnesses. . ." "Oh, Gods," Darien said, "it *is* them." Kristi: there's the plural again... "What?" "I've been getting vibes. . .Negaverse vibes. . ." Kristi: i'm picking up good vibrations... good good good good vibrations! At that moment, Serena's communicator beeped. Comunicator: beep! beep! beep! Ranma: this pager's drivin me crazy... Kristi: stop that! "And, apparently, so has someone else." Serena picked up the communicator, to see Raye's face displayed. "We have to meet at the temple," she said. "Something's up, big-time." "I'm on my way," said Serena. She turned to Darien. "You might as well come along for this one. . .you can tell them about your vibes." Rei: Eew, Serena, We don't really want to hear about Darien's vibes.. * * * "They're feeding off the sexual vibrations of people in love," Raye reported to the others. Julia: So, wait. Like, say you're not *really* in love. Does that mean they won't take your energy? What if you're with a hooker or something? Does it still count? What if you're just fooling around, but don't actually have sex? C'mon, details.. "The Negaverse is under the command of a general named Hematite now. He not only wants to take over the world, he wants to avenge Wotite. He's *very* dangerous." Kristi: and after he avenges Wotite i suppose he'll have to avenge Holdtite and Uptite and then Rainbow Brite... Rainbow Brite: why me? Kristi: because... because... beacause you have those furry things that makes stars... umm... Thom Yorke: [singing] They're all uptight.. uptight.. .. fuckers. "So how are we going to know who they're going to strike next?" said Mina. "They can read love vibes," said Raye. "If they detect that a young couple is about to have a romantic evening. . ." Serena leaned over and whispered in Darien's ear, "Good thing we heard that news report, or we would have been Negabait!" "We all have to keep our eyes and ears peeled," said Raye, "and I'll be keeping my psychic channels open. Kristi: your watching ESP, the psychic channel! All tellepathic, all day! Stay tuned! Julia: I knew you were going to say that, Kristi..! Maybe I have ESPN! :) On a Friday night, they're going to have plenty of opportunities to strike. . ." Kristi: [snicker] Haruka: [to Michiru] Dammit. Well, what're you doing Saturday? And we'd better get rid of those Negacreeps fast, Serena thought. I don't want *my* romantic evening ruined! Kristi: [snicker]... * * * As it turned out, they didn't have to wait very long for the Negaverse to strike. Julia: Heh, heh. Serena and Darien had gone back to his apartment to have their dinner. They were about halfway through when her communicator beeped again. Comunitcator: Beep! Beep! Beep! Ranma: [tied up in the corner] th-mph! mph! dr-mph! mmph! cr-mph! "There's some kind of Negathings outside my apartment building!" said Lita. "I think they're after the couple who live next door to me. . ." Kristi: are you sure it wasn't you and ken? [evil eye stare- ~_O] hhmmm?! Lita: no it wasn't i swear! "We're on our way!" said Serena. She closed the communicator and jumped up. "I'll get a headstart. . .you get ready to come in as backup." "Aye aye, captain!" he said. Kristi: arrg! shiver me timbers! Julia: Since when does Mamo-chan tag along on Sailor Senshi business? Haruka: Since the fanfic writers noticed that he has no life. When she arrived at the apartment, she found Lita and Amy trying to take on a group of silvery things that looked half-humanoid, half-living plant-and getting their butts kicked. Each of the girls was wrapped in a vinelike appendage. Kristi: NO NAUGHTY TENTICLES! NO! BAD! [hold up a sign that reads "no tenticles" and chants "hey ho! tenticles- NO!"] Time to take out the Negatrash, Serena thought. . She hopped up on a car roof, where she knew she'd be seen, just as one of the creatures was growling, "We might as well take your energy, too!" Michiru: Ara, they can't *do* that. They can only take the Hentai energy, remember? .. Which means.. that.. Lita and Amy.. were... [giggles] Haruka: Welcome to the Dark Side, girls.. [giggles, too] Lita: well you know... i was in this hentai fic with ami and- Amy: [clamps hand over Lita's mouth] shh! we musn't tell them about are little secret. Julia: [tapping away at computer] But dude.. it's on the *internet*.. "That's what you think, Negacreep!" Serena shouted. "I'm Sailor Moon! Champion of love! In the name of the moon, I will triumph over jerks who come between loving couples! And that means you! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!" She took off her tiara and started to go into her spin Julia: [begins playing cheesy bass music] -only to be knocked off the car by one of the vinelike growths. Julia: [unplugs bass abruptly] .. dammit! She shrieked as she saw the pavement rushing up to meet her head, but someone caught her before she hit the ground. "Sailor Mars!" she said. Julia: You idiot! I'm not Sailor Mars! Shows the thanks I get! I'm leaving! Hmph! "I think it's going to take a combined attack to get rid of these guys, don't you?" said Raye. "You're on," Serena replied. "Count me in, too!" called Mina's voice behind them. They prepared to each launch their specialty- Billy: Grilled Cheese Sandwiches! Yeaaaa! "Moon tiara. . ." "Mars fire. . ." "Venus crescent beam. . ." But three more vines shot out and grabbed them before they could complete the attacks. They struggled and struggled. . . Kristi: Eek! no! And then, the rose landed on the pavement in front of the creatures. It startled them enough so that they relaxed their grip on the girls. "How dare you prey on the feelings of young lovers?" called a male voice above them. "Only the lowest form of creature would feed off the highest of human emotions! Tuxedo Mask will never forgive you!" Mysterious Masked Man: i like that Tux guy... he's mysterious... The blowhard speech served its purpose-it distracted the creatures long enough for the girls to wriggle free and launch their attacks. "Mercury bubbles. . .blast!" Amy spread fog about the creatures, confusing them and leaving them vulnerable to what was coming next. Ami: [annoyed] Too bad that's not what that attack does. Serena and Raye launched their combined attack to get rid of half the creatures, and Mina and Lita combined their powers to get rid of two more. Lita: SPAHHH-KLING WIIIDE PRESSURE! Michiru: DEEP .. SUBMERGE!!! Haruka: SPACE SWORD BLASTER....! What do you mean by preying on the emotions of innocent young couples? Youma: Uhh.. Haruka: [slices them up with Space Sword] Michiru: You know, Haruka, there are some things that only innocent young couples can enjoy.. Haruka: Cough, cough. Darien got rid of the remainder by spearing them with dagger-like roses. Serena and Lita high-fived each other. "Totally dusted!" they yelled in unison. Kristi: like way cool, cowabunga man... uhh... yeah... Darien hopped down from the low rooftop he'd been standing on. "Only the lowest form of creature would feed off the highest of human emotions?" Raye said. "Where the hell did *that* come from, Tux Boy?" Mamoru: "Life's Little Instruction Booklet." "Hey, sometimes I surprise even myself." "What're you trying to do, make the Negacreeps *barf*?" He laughed. "What kind of vibes are you getting?" Julia: [to Kristi] .. maybe good good good ones? Kristi: good good good good vibrations! "Calm. I think Hematite's backing off. . .for now." "Same here." "But we've definitely not seen the last of him. He'll lay low for awhile, then he'll be back, trying a different tactic. . ." Julia: In a different fanfic.. "Just like every other Negacreep we've ever been up against." She sighed. "It never ends, does it?" "Oh, I have a feeling that someday it will. Someday. . .but Gods only know when." * * * Hematite paced like a caged animal. Damn those Sailor brats! How did they catch on so fast? He thought he'd have weeks and weeks of draining energy from lovers. . . Kristi: well it would have worked maybe... if this wasn't a hentai... "Do they have a GOD feeding them information?" he raged. Julia: Maybe several. It was time to think of a new plan, a foolproof plan. Then, he'd be back. . . * * * Serena and Darien arrived back at his apartment house. "Well, my sweet, it's time to pick up where we left off. . ." Julia: Well, the steak is probably charred to a crisp.. so much for that evening. Time to go home, Serena, you haven't done your homework. He raised his arm, preparing to go into the de-transformation process. She caught his arm and shook her head. "What is it?" he said. A slow smile spread over her face. "I was just thinking. . .that in all this time. . .I've never made love to Tuxedo Mask." He caught her in his arms and kissed her. "What a coincidence. . .I've never made love to Sailor Moon." "Well, then. . .what are we waiting for?" Kristi: the pope. He picked her up in his arms. In this form, they didn't have to travel by elevator. He gave a super-leap, landed on a balcony, leaped again, landed on another balcony, then finally leaped onto his own. Julia: That sounds awful. "Now that we're motion sick, let's have sex." He set her down and pushed the sliding glass door open, and they walked into his apartment. He lit the candles on his mantel, put some soft, romantic music on the stereo, and took her in his arms. "Sailor Moon. . .before we do this, I have to warn you. Julia: .. that it's not legal ... but.. . .I have no idea what the result of us making love in this form will be." She smiled wickedly. "Oh, I know what the result will be." "Other than that, silly little minx. Julia: Minx? We'll both be releasing huge bursts of magical energy when we climax. . ." "Oooh, I like the sound of that!" She pulled him closer, and their mouths melded. He gave up trying to explain, and gave in to pure sensation... Frank: give your self over to absolute pleasure! Julia: Swim the warm waters, of sins of the flesh.. Frank: Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure.. Julia: And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.. Both: Can't you just.. see it? Whoa-ho-hoaa... Kristi: [runs in with sissors] snip! sorry guys- but i can't allow you to read what happens next... [cringe] i'll fill you in... there is repeated talk of a "dewy" rose- what ever that means and you know what happens after that... so here we are right after the "moment" It was a few delirious moments before they returned to reality. And that's when she saw the thing in the bed next to them. . . Serena: Eek! Luna! How'd you get in here! Luna: Serena! i don't believe it! "Hey. . .what's this?" She held up a pure silver, jewel-encrusted dagger, encased in a leather sheath that was decorated with mystical symbols. "What. . .where did that come from?" Julia: The Mists of Avalon!!! Morgaine: Hey, give me that back! [snatches dagger] "And where's the rose?" Then, suddenly, he realized what had happened. "It's some kind of magical tool. . .I told you that when we came, we'd be releasing large bursts of magical energy. The energy transformed the rose into. . ." Suddenly, he saw that she had gone into a trance-like state. "Sailor Moon? Serena?" She seemed to be staring into eternity. Kristi: [hums twilight zone music] Serena had latent psychic powers, and occasionally, they would kick in and show her things. . .like they had helped him find the golden crystal which matched her silver one. After a moment, she blinked and came back to reality. "It's called the Moon Blade. It's for both blasting Negacreeps and for healing. And it's a very powerful weapon. . .and furthermore, either of use can use it." Julia: Only $99.95. Kinky. "Amazing." She sighed. "We'll probably need it. This new Negaverse general, Hematite. . .he makes me nervous." He pulled her close. "We'll beat him. We'll beat him like we beat all the others-Jadeite, Zoicite, Malachite, Beryl, Wotite. . .if we're together, nothing can beat us." Julia: How cute. This story has no conclusion. She kissed him. "I love you, Tuxedo Mask." "I love you too, Sailor Moon. And Serena. And Princess." Haruka: I love you, Michiru. Michiru: I love you too, Haruka. [cheesy embrace] Julia: Billy? Thom? I love you guys. But only as friends. Billy: I can deal with that. Thom: Fuck. Julia: Eh? .. Hotaru: Setsuna-mama? I love you.. Setsuna: I love you too, Hotaru-chan. Kristi: um... Kaneda... i love you? Kaneda: hell yeah. They embraced, feeling the energy of their love surround them-a pure, clean and good energy that nobody, not even the Negaverse, would ever be able to take away from them. Julia: Kristi and I are certainly willing to give it a sporting chance, however. Kristi: mwahahahahahaha!! AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks bunches to everyone who pre-read this story and offered their input, including Molly, Jeffrey Wizard and (of course) Mark Berger. You people are beautiful. . . Author: and thanks to Kristi-Lyn and Julia for destroying it! I needed an intergaltic beat down so that i could realize what a perv i am! Also, lots of thanks to everyone who's written to me about my work. You're the reason why I do this. Love ya! Kristi: are you sure that you do it just for them and not so you can have something to see if your viagra works? Julia: I love you, Fanfic Writer. I really do. No, *really*. Standard Sailor Moon disclaimers apply. These characters ain't mine, I'm just borrowing them for awhile. Kristi: and making them do "fun" things... i get you... your one of those spies... yeah...