Stupid Stuff

This page is just a place for me to rant about stupid stuff and give you a disturbing glimpse into my mind.

App-O-Lanterns

If people think you're psychotic now, try this:

Bring an apple for lunch to school or work or wherever. Then pull out your trusty Swiss Army Knife. Proceed to hollow out the apple in the same way you would hollow out a pumpkin. You can eat the apple innards or whatever, it doesn't matter. Then carve a weird face into it, and stick a little birthday cake candle into the middle. Trust me, you make a few of these during lunch hour and the skanks scatter like flies!! Also, after the App-O-Lantern begins to decay, it looks kind of like a decaying human head!

Rejected Porno Film Titles

I was thinking of some good porno titles. Here they are:

If You can think of more, send 'em to me, and I'll put them up.

My Kickass Movie

I've got an idea for a kickass movie. It's like Planet of the Apes meets The Ten Commandments. I call it, PLANET OF THE ROMANS! What happens is, intrepid astronaut Taylor (Charlton Heston) goes on this cool space probe launch, like in Planet of the Apes. But instead of going into the future, he goes into the past, to the time of Moses! His space probe lands on Moses (also Charlton Heston), killing him. But since they look so similar, Taylor is forced to assume Moses' identity to lead the Hebrews from slavery! Planet of the Romans also stars William Shatner as one of moses' Hebrew pals, Adam West as Pharoh, and a cameo by Burt Ward as Pharoh's sidekick. Some of the exciting scenes include:

- A chariot race between Moses and Pharoh. Pharoh goes, "To the Pharohmobile!" and then we see this crappy chariot with fins and a turbine and everything.

- When one of the Romans pisses of Moses, he says "Get your filthy paws off me you damn dirty Roman!"

- Moses can say "Noooo! Orgies are people! It's people!!!!!"

- At the end after he parts the sea and the Romans die and stuff, Moses can see this crappy Roman statue half-buried in the beach. Then he falls to his knees and yells, "You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to Hell!"

It'll be the worst movie ever! Please send funding offers and comments to me at DrFiendish@hotmail.com.

This Won't Make Any Sense

When I grow up I want to open up a store in the hospital that sells pre-chewed subs to people that can't chew. But the thing is, we'd use bodies from the morgue and sugical waste as filler. Then some Charlton Heston guy can find out and go, "Pre-chewed subs is people! It's Peeeopllle! You gotta tell 'em! It's people! Noooooo!"

Being Mean

Here are some funny mean things I said:

1. On Christmas my pals and I went to the Husky truck stop for supper, 'cause it was the only place open. So we walk in and I go, "So do we find our own seats or is this a classy place?" real loud. All the truckers looked sad, I think because they realized that food at the Husky is gross. Either that or they were sad that instead of being with their families for Christmas they were at the Husky with some loud-mouthed asshole. Well, what can ya do?

2. Another time my pals and I were at a good restaraunt. But these skanks at the table next to kept bugging us. Then one of them said, "Do guys prefer a tounge ring when they're getting head?" to which I replied, "Well, what do you find they prefer, you damn skank!" That shut her up.

Grad Ski Trip

We've got this thing at school where all the grads go on a ski trip, but it always ends up as a big orgy. So when that chick from my biology class asked me if I was going, I said, "I'll go, but if I don't get laid I want my money back." The thing was, I said it pretty loud, and the teacher gave me this look. Oh, well. At least I'm honest.

The Skank Shift

I hate it when I work the Skank Shift at work. I have a friend who works sometimes with just three other people, all good-looking chicks! But no, I have to work the damn Skank Shift and get flirted at by skanks. That sucks.

Good Recipe

Here's how to make a tasty thing.

Ingredients: 1 or 2 slices of cheese, 1 pickle

What you do is, put the pickle between the cheese slices, or if you're low on cheese cut the pickle in half and put it around the cheese slice.

This is a very yummy dish.

Okay, okay, I can't cook

You know what I did the other day? I was making toast, and suddenly the toaster caught on fire! So I extinguished the fire, and to my alarm the bread hadn't even been toasted! I lit the damn toaster on fire and didn't even cook my toast!

I thought I could at least make toast, but I was wrong. You should probably ignore the above recipe now that I think about it.

Skanks

I hate skanks. So here are some fun ways to hurt their feelings.

The Skank Game

This works best in a crowded area such as a lunchroom at school. For 2+ players.

First of all, one person starts by saying "skank" in a normal speaking voice. The person to his right continues by saying "skank" slightly louder. Everyone at the table continues this, yelling "SKANK!" progressively louder and louder. The game stops when you are confronted by a skank (she may tell you to shut up or something), and you all start laughing uncontrollably.

Drive-by skankings

Simple. Just drive around, and when you see a skank, either in pedestrian or motorist form, yell, "SKANK!" That will show her.

Funny Magic Trick

This is a fun and easy magic trick that will astound and/or frighten all who witness it.

1. Unzip your fly.

2. Put your hand down your pants, and stick your index (or any other) finger out your fly, simulating a penis.

3. Walk around like this. Poke people with the penis/finger. Act like you don't know what's going on when people start laughing.

And that's all there is to it! Pretty cool, eh? Okay, so it's not a magic trick. I'm a liar. Let's see you do better on your web site.

Good Gift Idea

I think one of the coolest gift ideas for a chick you dig is a plastic dinosaur. They can be really inexpensive, and really nice, plus if you have one too you can get them to fight. A plastic dinosaur is the one gift that says, "I'm not saying we have to have sex right now, but I'm into dinosaurs, and maybe you are too."

A funny thing I almost said

This hot chick in my biology class once said, "I had a dream last night that I was pregnant." And I almost said back to her, "That's funny, 'cause last night I dreamt I was getting you pregnant!" I think this would have been extremely funny, but then her boyfriend would have kicked my ass. That would not have been so funny.

Remember to check back frequently! I'm always thinking of something stupid!


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