From: "The Evil Professor Chronos" Subject: [FSC] The Dark Side of Sales, Part 3 Date: Saturday, 08 July, 2000 22:21 At long last, the next chapter of the latest FSC story. REALLY sorry to have kept everyone waiting so long. :( Patrick O'Shea wrote: > "Oh, just to get the phone. No sense waking up Usako, it's probably > just some salesperson." > > "Ah" Saggitarius and Titania-chan said. Then they looked at each > other, horrified as Gamer reached down for the handset..... "Hi there," said a very evil-sounding voice on the other end of the phone. A deep male voice, with an English accent and a very over-the- top echo effect applied to it. "Am I speaking to one of the Neo-FSC?" "Er, yes," said Gamer, a bit confused. "How'd you know?" "Oh, I know all kinds of things I shouldn't. Heh heh heh," said the voice, chuckling evilly. "Don't worry, I'm not a salesperson. In fact, I'm going to help you." At this point, Sagittarius and Titania-chan simultaneously tackled Sailor Gamer, knocking her to the floor. The phone went flying. "Er, hello? Hello?!" came the voice, confused. "What'd you do that for?!" demanded Gamer, sounding a little muffled as both Sagittarius and Titania-chan had landed on top of her. "That was probably another salesperson on the phone!" Sagittarius said hurriedly. "They might have been trying to ..." "Sell me something?!" finished Gamer, pushing the two girls aside. "Actually, it was a mysterious, evil-sounding stranger saying he was going to help us." "Sounds like he's trying to get you interested before he gets into his sales pitch," said Titania-chan, suspiciously. But Gamer picked up the phone again and continued talking. "Hi, sorry about that - my friends attacked me - how exactly are you planning to help us?" "I represent an organization that is currently maintaining the peace here in Net.Tokyo. We've been monitoring your activities, and believe it would be beneficial for both our operations if we worked together. Please come to the Sailor Aquarius Memorial Square in fifteen minutes. More importantly, I have a warning for you - it is very important that all of you jump out of the window right now." "What? Why's that?" asked Gamer, confused. "Because your friend is about to transform into an evil zombie and try to sell you some make-up." Without another word, Gamer grabbed Sagittarius and Titania-chan each under one arm, and then jumped out the window. This turned out to be a very good move, as Usako had suddenly come lurching out of nowhere, carrying a small black case and screaming "AVON CALLING!" Fortunately, she had no opportunity to even start a sales pitch, as the other Scouts were several feet below her, and furthermore she tripped over the phone cord. "What happened?! What happened?!" demanded Sagittarius, who was beginning to get a little annoyed at Gamer pushing her to the floor, let alone out of a window. "Usako's been turned into one of THEM!" yelled Gamer. "We've got to get out of here before she tries to sell us something!" "Er, that might be kind of tricky," said Titania-chan, pointing. A large group of sales-zombies was milling around them, slowly closing in, determined to make a sale. "PURPLE HAZE!" yelled Sailor Sagittarius, thinking fast. A huge smokescreen covered the entire area, giving the Sailors a chance to make a break for it. "Wait!" coughed Gamer, as they ran for it. "What about Watership Down? We can't just leave her there!" "There's no choice," said Sagittarius firmly. "I don't think my Purple Haze Healing can un-zombify people... we've got to find some kind of Moon Crystal Healing Plot Device so we can cure her." "That," grumbled Titania as they ran, "does NOT sound like much of a plan. In fact, it's INCREDIBLY-" "There's someone who might be able to help us," Gamer butted in. "I know it's not much to go on, but right now it's all we've got! He said we should go to the Sailor Aquarius Memorial Square!" "That's seven blocks away!" groaned Sagittarius. "I don't want to have to run that far!" "Hey, we're Sailor Scouts!" said Gamer confidently. "We can leap to tall balconies from ground level! I'm sure we're capable of running a few blocks!" "Besides which," pointed out Titania, "we have to run like crazy ANYWAY" - she indicated the horde of zombie salespeople chasing after them - "so we might as well run in that direction." "Good plan!" agreed Sagittarius, although she sounded a little bit out-of-breath already. * * * Meanwhile, a nervous-looking Telus stood nervously by the phone. He was awaiting a call from his new Master, who gave him the shivers. Nervousness was not natural to Telus. He was a low-ranking member of the Negaphone, and as a low-ranking crewmember among the villains whose name had never been mentioned, he'd had to live with the daily possibility of sudden and undignified death. Under circumstances like that, you either quickly become immune to nervousness or you go nuts. Guilt was not an emotion that normally troubled him either. After the Negaphone ship had crashed, he'd been forced to drain all of his crewmate, Beaseatel's energy and absorb it into himself to survive. But both of these emotions were now plaguing Telus' soul. Killing people, stealing their souls, ruining their lives, and even a bit of double-crossing and treachery were all perfectly acceptable for the villainous type that he was, but telemarketing really did seem to be pushing it ... And his boss REALLY scared him. There was something unnatural about the high-pitched voice ... it sounded ... well ... somehow inhuman. "Telus," came that very same voice from somewhere nearby. Telus nearly jumped out of his skin. This wasn't a phone call. The Master had turned up IN PERSON. Telus was terrified. He had only spoken with his new dark lord over the phone and telepathic links before ... he had never actually MET him. Telus looked around nervously, trying to see where the voice had come from. "Down here, you fool," said the voice. * * * Meanwhile, the Sailor Scouts were in a bit of a fix. They'd managed to outrun the sales-zombies and make it to the square. Unfortunately, it turned out that the square was ALREADY filled with quite a few salespeople, milling about and trying to sell each other things. And now, the Neo-FSC were surrounded, with salespeople on every side ... "This is bad," growled Titania. "Would you like to try a ..." "NO! I don't WANT it! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" shrieked Gamer, pushing the salesperson away. "Oh, just give it a try!" yelled the sales-zombie, and then the whole crowd of them flooded forward, smothering the Sailor Scouts. The three of them tried to struggle, but they were surrounded and outnumbered... "STOP RIGHT THERE, EVILDOERS!" came a pair of voices in perfect sync, from apparently out of nowhere - or more accurately, out of EVERYWHERE. The Neo-FSC and sales-zombies alike started looking around, trying to see where the voices were coming from. "Your shameless door-to-door tactics are giving capitalism a bad name! Allow us to demonstrate the RIGHT way to shamelessly endorse your sponsors' products!" Sailor Sagittarius suddenly yelled and pointed, having figured out where the voices were coming from. "Look! There's loudspeakers hidden all over the place!" And sure enough, it was true. There, strapped to a traffic light, a loudspeaker; there, in a nearby window, another loudspeaker; there, in the backseat of an illegally parked car, a loudspeaker. What was going on here? These same loudspeakers now started playing catchy dance music, as a hole opened up in the middle of the road, and a stage slowly rose out of it, on which two women with large angel wings and unusually low-cut sailor fuku were striking dramatic poses. "Invited by Kelloggs' Raisin Bran, part of your complete breakfast, I'm the oh-so-gorgeous Sailor Bunny!" "Invited by Hasbro/Kenner, between them the makers of the greatest toy lines in the universe (including Star Wars Episode One figures), I'm the oh-so-elegant Sailor Honey!" "NO WAY!" gasped the entire Neo-FSC. "Wherever evil monsters are persecuting the innocent, and where news cameras might be watching to record our sponsors' messages - I mean, our heroic speeches - we'll be there! This battle is also brought to you by King Records, Asahi, and Manga-no-Mori!" "On behalf of our sponsor, we'll punish you!" "Who ARE these guys?!" exclaimed Titania, reeling from the sudden overdose of commercialization. "You don't know Bunny and Honey?!" exclaimed Sailor Sagittarius, astounded. "They were two of the FSC's most popular characters! They were originally a pair of youma sent by Kubiczirconite to impersonate sailor scouts, but one of them was plushified in a battle against Sailor Io. In order to resurrect her, Professor Chronos conducted a twisted experiment that transformed her into Sailor Bunny. Later, a similar twisted experiment created Sailor Honey. They battled evil and shamelessly plugged various commercial products for many episodes, before being killed by the OED Scouts, who were being manipulated by the sinister Neko Luna-kun. After dying, they wound up in heaven, where they journeyed along Snake Way to recieve training in the arts of merchandising, and were ultimately resurrected as true Sailor Scouts with angelic product-pitching powers." "Whoa, great synopsis!" said Bunny, impressed. "And I think they're cousins or something," added Sagittarius. "WHAT?! We are NOT!" yelled Honey. "We're just very good friends! Get your mind out of the gutter!" "Actually, we're sisters," explained Bunny, who wasn't as offended as Honey by Sagittarius' reckless use of the word "cousin". The sales-zombies paid no attention to any of this. Being more interested in selling than buying, they began to advance on Bunny and Honey, with evil intentions to sell them vaccuum cleaners, insurance and discount coupons for really bad restaurants. "BUNNY CUBIC RUBIK COLOURFUL CONFUSION!" yelled Sailor Bunny, as a stream of colourful blocks rose up around her, forming into small, rapidly rotating cubes. The cubes then rocketed towards the salesmen, exploding into thousands of tiny fragments. Some salesmen got severely injured by brightly-coloured shrapnel, while others tripped and slipped on the hundreds of pieces scattered all over the floor. Others still had managed to find complete cubes, and were trying their best to solve them. Needless to say, the result was chaos. "HONEY 151 HIGHLY MERCHANDISABLE CRITTERS GOTTA-BUY-EM-ALL BLAST!" yelled Honey, and the street suddenly became flooded with dozens of Cute Cuddly Animals (TM), all of which started savagely attacking the sales-zombies. "Wait! WAIT!" yelled Gamer. "You can't DO that! They're not really evil Negaverse monsters, they're innocent people who've been changed into zombies by some dark force!" "What?!" exclaimed Bunny and Honey together. They looked at one another. "OOPS!", they both said together, and snapped their fingers. The rubiks cubes and animals both suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving the sales-zombies dazed, but alive. "If we can't kill all the monsters, and we've got no way to heal them, there's no point in hanging around here," said Honey sharply. "Let's get outta here before those salespeople recover!" "Quick, everyone, into this mailbox!" yelled Bunny, jumping into the slot of a nearby postal outlet. She vanished. The Neo-FSC rubbed their eyes. "I can't believe I just saw that," commented Sagittarius. "It's a plot hole! Net.Tokyo is full of them, you just have to know where to look. Come on, let's MOVE!" said Honey, and she too, jumped into the slot. The effect was extremely disconcerting. One minute Honey was normal-sized, but as she jumped towards the slot she seemed to spontaneously shrink, only she WASN'T - the effect was as though they were looking at her from very far away, even though she hadn't apparently moved. The Sailor Scouts looked at one another doubtfully, then over at the sales-zombies, who were starting to come around. They nodded. Titania and Gamer each grabbed one of Usako's arms, hoisting her to her feet, and then all of them jumped into the mailbox. Time and space stretched around them, everything blurred, and they seemed to suddenly be going very fast ... ... and then it stopped. They were in a long, dark tunnel, with some kind of eerie mist hanging in the air. "I think we're safe here," said Titania cautiously. Suddenly, there was a tube of lipstick stuffed in her face. "Have you ever noticed you're really ugly?" demanded Usako, in a cheerful voice. "AAAAGH!" yelled Titania, startled, and fell over backwards. In a purely instinctual effort to regain her balance, her arms flailed about, and one of them smacked right into the briefcase Usako was carrying. It went flying, and smashed into a wall, where it broke. Usako screamed, as there was an explosion of light, and then she fell to the floor. The shattered suitcase burst into flames. Moments later, the fire died away, and there was nothing left but a smouldering crater, with a pair of cheerios inside. "Wh-what happened?" mumbled Usako, in a dazed-sounding voice. The other three spun around and stared at her. "Way to GO, Titania!" exclaimed Gamer, impressed. "You figured out how to turn the sales-zombies back to normal!" "I have superhero reflexes," said Titania modestly. Sagittarius helped the former sales-zombie to her feet. "Poor Asoko..." "Usako," corrected Usako. "...Usako... always getting brainwashed into joining the side of darkness. First Sailor Playboy Bunny, then the make-up lady from heck..." "Er, guys, I don't want to worry you," said Gamer nervously, "but Bunny and Honey seem to have disappeared, and we're all alone in a dark and scary place." The others looked around. It was true ... except for the four Neo-Sailor Scouts, the tunnel was empty. They paused for a brief moment, considering whether they should do the traditional thing and, after pausing to build up tension, change into SD form and all start running around and screaming. "Naah," said Titania briskly. "Let's start walking instead. This tunnel has to go SOMEWHERE..." * * * Telus stared in disbelief. His lord and master, whom he had held in such awe and respect, and whose word he had dreaded, had turned out to be less than a foot tall. And, to make matters worse, bright yellow and black striped. "You're a BEE," said Telus, stunned. "Not just A bee," The Bee snapped. "THE Bee. It's the closest thing I have to a name." "Sorry, Mr. Bee," grovelled Telus. "Er, I have the energy you wanted ..." "Hey, not bad," The Bee said critically. "Of course, it's only a tiny little amount. We've got to have hundreds of times this much for my plan to succeed." "WHAT?!" yelled Telus, outraged. "Have you any IDEA what I had to go through to get that energy?! The things I did? I woke up people in the middle of the night! I got them out of the bath! I interrupted three honeymoons at the worst possible moment!" The Bee nodded. "I've been keeping track. You do excellent work. A lot of people got VERY annoyed. Don't worry, you've done your job well. You won't need to collect any more energy through telemarketing... my new servants will take care of the rest. In fact, this energy is expendable ... you can keep it for yourself if you want," he offered, smiling in a generous-but-scary way. "The annoyance has only begun to spread through Net.Tokyo." Telus paused, a bit surprised. "What? THAT was your whole purpose? To annoy people?" "Oh, yes," said The Bee, smiling evilly. "Just wait and see... see what happens when they get REALLY annoyed..." Telus sighed. "I guess I COULD consume some of that energy to survive... but I just wouldn't feel right about doing it..." "Would you prefer the taste of honey and nuts?" asked The Bee. "What?" "Sorry. Old habit." * * * The Neo-FSC had emerged from the tunnel into, if possible, an even scarier place. Bubbling test tubes filled every corner. A mass of dingy, dusty pipes could be seen overhead. A mysterious mist hung in the air, and a sinister sound could be heard in the background, perhaps the sound of a coffee percolator amplified and with a bass echo effect. "Wait a minute... those sound effects... that description... which, if I'm not mistaken, was quoted directly from an earlier episode..." Sagittarius started to look very excited. "Do you realize where we are?!" "You're in the Negabasement, Einstein," came a very sarcastic young female voice from somewhere in the shadows. The girls all jumped, startled that there was someone else here. A young girl emerged from the misty background. She had very bright blue eyes, but the rest of her was about as colourless as you could get. Her skin was so pale it was almost pure white. Her hair was jet black, as was the dress she wore. A necklace, shaped like a spider web, was worn around her neck, and earrings of a likewise spidery shape hung from her ears. Although they gave of a faint reflective gleam, they too were black. Her eyes were surrounded by very heavily applied black eyeliner, and of course, black lipstick on her lips completed the picture. "Who is SHE?!" exclaimed Titania in confusion. "Sagittarius, you're supposed to be the original FSC expert ... who's this character? Is that Christine?" "No, she doesn't wear make-up," said Sagittarius knowingly. "And besides, her eyes are the wrong colour. Come to think of it, the only FSC character with eyes that shade was..." ... And she paused, a befuddled look appearing on her face. "No... she couldn't be..." The girl glowered. "I'll put you out of your misery, since your FSC 'expert' doesn't seem to know jack. My name's Wendy Chronos #2, but most people call me Chibi-Wen." "CHIBI-WEN?!" "But... but... Chibi-Wen's only nine years old..." protested Sagittarius. "Have you ever considered," said Chibi-Wen sarcastically, "that, over the past four years, I might have somehow gotten FOUR YEARS OLDER?! Sheesh..." "But... Chibi-Wen wears pink..." murmured Sagittarius, now overcome with plot adjustment shock. Chibi-Wen glared at her. "If it helps, you can think of it as just a phase I'm going through. That's what Dad says." [1] "Where IS your father, anyway?" asked Gamer. "Right HERE," cackled a very evil voice from somewhere up above. And the Evil Professor Chronos descended very rapidly into the room, via the super-fun happy slide. He gracefully somersaulted in mid-air, landed perfectly on his feet, but then skidded from the momentum and fell over. The Professor sighed. "Well, that ruined THAT impressive entrance. Anyway ... pleased to meet you all." Gamer gasped. "I know that voice! It was you who called us up and told us to go to the square!" Professor Chronos nodded. "We'd set up the ambush, we just needed you to lead the zombies in there. Unfortunately, we didn't know they were all innocent people." "'We'?" asked Sagittarius. "You mean you're working with Bunny and Honey?" "Oh yes," nodded Chronos. "Actually, they're working for me. It's helping to pay Wendy and Christine through college. Using the network of plot holes that the Witches Five used for transportation back in our soul-stealing days, we've created this benevolent secret organization to provide superheroic help whenever the city is in danger..." "...providing a good cover for your true evil goals..." muttered Titania dryly. "...providing a good cover for my true evil goals," agreed Chronos. Then he looked startled. "What?! NO! Hey! Don't put words in my mouth! I've turned over a new leaf!" He put his hands in his pockets, whistled tunelessly, and tried to look innocent. The Sailor Scouts all stared at him suspiciously. "Oh, forget about him for now," said Gamer eventually. "There's a much worse evil on the loose that we've got to figure out how to defeat!" "Hey! Wait for us!" came a voice from above. Bunny and Honey flew gracefully into the room from a skylight that hadn't been there a second ago, and landed side by side next to the Neo-FSC. "Please let us help too," they said, together. "Sure, why not?" said Titania-chan. "Hey Chibi-Wen, how about you? You wanna come fight evil too?" Chibi-Wen shook her head. "No thanks. I'm retired. If my friends from school saw me prancing around in pink frills, I'd never live it down." She indicated her Hermes-P, which was now enshrined in a glass display case on the other side of the Negabasement, and obviously hadn't been touched in quite some time. Sagittarius looked disappointed for a moment, then brightened up. "But at least we've got Bunny and Honey on our side now! This way, we're a tiny bit less outnumbered." "But only a tiny bit," nodded Gamer grimly. "So, we'd better start planning..." Can the added power of Bunny and Honey be enough to ensure victory against an entire army of zombie salespeople? Can the Neo-FSC stop the door-to-door invasion without harming the innocent victims of The Bee's mysterious cheerio control? What IS The Bee plotting anyway? Will the current author be burned at the stake by irate readers for turning Chibi-Wen into a goth girl? Someone, please, tell us! The suspense is killing me! --------------------------------------------------------------------- [1] He was probably right. For some bizarre reason - perhaps genetic - all the Chronos girls went through a period where they started wearing a lot of black and became just a bit antisocial. Professor Chronos was quite relaxed about this, and responded quite politely to all the angry letters he got from Project SCHWING. [2] [2] Surely CHibi-Wen Is Not Goth. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mark S Sprague aka the Evil Professor Chronos Formerly the Official Head of R&D for the Negaverse --------------------------------------------------------------------- If you have a pure soul, kindly leave it in the drop box.