Hi everyone! I'm back again. I know it's been three years since we posted Monkey Business 1, but hey... at least we're not as bad as the Professor, he still hasn't posted Night of the Negabunnies 2 and it's been more than four years, I think. ;) Disclaimer: I use direct quotes in here from a Tommy Davidson comedy special taped in Philadelphia. It's not mine yadda yadda yadda, all rights to whoever! * * * * * * Monkey Business by Jason Howe & NeofelisN (some parts by Chad Gayman and Patrick O'Shea) * * * * * * [Sailor Newbie voiceover] "Last time on Sailor Newb, a couple new authors decided it was time to parody Supers enemies!" [Shot of Seano, Hereno, Speekno, and Duno holding Macro] "Well today they set their evil plans in motion!" [Shots of Boxes'99 by MacroSoftOnline] "And a lot more stuff happens but they didn't tell me what! I'm the star!!! WAAAHHHHHH!!! Um... so don't touch that remote or else!" [FSC Opening Theme] Fighting evil by a New Moon, Winning love by a cool tune, Hoping that this theme song ends soon, She is the one named Sailor Newb! And no matter what the odds may portend, For the sake of good evil she'll fend, And 'cause her escape route was a dead end, She is the one named Sailorrr- ... Sailor Io! Sailor Callisto! Sailor Ganymede! Sailor Annoyance! With extra cast members just to help her through! She is the one named Sailorrrr- Sailor Graphite Raven! Sailor Orion! Sailor Jessica Rabbit! Sailor Sane! Lastly, Jen, we're gonna get to you! She is the one named Sailor NEWB! (lots of guitar and synthesizer music, with random scenes flashing by) -Sodalite the ocelot being pursued across the city by Chibi-Jen -Wendy juggling frying pans and clobbering hecklers -A logo on a box of software featuring a crate structure surrounding the words "MacrosoftOnline" -Cyprine and Pikurol doing a Punch-and-Judy routine -Freddy having a heart-to-heart with Ranma -The Sailors reading today's script and preparing to kill the authors oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo MONKEY BUSINESS Part 2 - Computer Store Blues oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo As the Evil Sisters drained nearly all the fluids in their bodies producing massive sweatdrops, the orbit of their ill-fated satellite and that of the even more ill-fated space station Mir rapidly decayed to the point where a mysterious force of Earth's gravity pulled them onto a direct collision course with net.Tokyo... The satellite lit up like a comet as it entered the atmosphere, glowing brighter as it streaked across the sky. Slowly, as it drew closer to the park it began to block out the sun until it reached total eclipse, before at last losing its battle with gravity and dropping like a rock. The satellite impacted only a few meters from the group but even with the sonic boom it made on impact everyone was too wrapped up in lethargy to notice. Well, almost everyone. "Austin, did you see that?!" Jen asked quietly despite the fact she was on an adrenaline rush. After not receiving a response she sniffed and looked over at Austin who was asleep, then her sniffles led to sobbing, sobs led to crying, cries led to full blown bawling. When she realized that it didn't work she stopped abruptly, feeling rather neglected and a little steamed. "AUSTIN!" Jen screamed, shaking him awake. "Wha...?" he inquired, barely conscious. "Did you see that?!" Jen screamed. "See what?" Austin asked, eyelids flickering open wearily as his gaze drifted up towards the vision of beauty that was Jen, albeit a very frantic Jen, but still Jen nonetheless. "The satellite!" Jen screamed, again. She seemed to be doing a lot of it and Austin was still at a loss as to why, but something she said caught his attention as he was nearing full consciousness. "What satellite Jen?" he responded. "The satellite that almost hit us!" she replied, still quite frantic, but she was doing it so well and looked rather cute. "Jen, are you feeling okay?" he asked, laying his hand against her forehead. "I feel fine considering a satellite almost hit us!" Jen yelled, removing his hand from her forehead a touch more forcefully than she intended, then turning and pointing. "It's right over-" Jen stopped, looking confused. "Where did it go?!" "Sounds like someone had too much sun," Austin smirked. "I think we should be going now, it's getting pretty late." Austin said, collecting her into his arms and walking off. "But I saw it!" could be heard as they left together. Viluy looked up at the two as they walked off; she was one of the few people left at the gathering. Since Wendy had provided over half of the food, she had suddenly found herself abandoned to the task of cleanup by the picnicgoers. She had immediately snagged her favorite freeloaders, the Witches 5 (minus Mimet who had managed to slip off with Professor Chronos) to help her gather up the used Tupperware, blankets, and few food items that had not been snorked down by her friends and family. The Witches (minus one) were now paying the price of not being quicker about vacating the immediate area. Viluy strode off a little distance from the grumbling Wendy in order to collect a stray casserole dish, licked clean by Jen. She paused and took a moment to stand still and let the wind blow her hair gently, while cherry blossoms floated by. The background turned pastel with bubbles floating past, and Viluy reveled in her first ever opportunity to look winsome and dramatic. As luck would have it, it was at that moment that Space Station Mir fell from the sky with a loud crash and squashed her flatter than an okonomiyaki. Being holographic meant that Viluy was more or less unhurt by the impact, although she found that she missed having three dimensions. Since she was mashed by the leading edge of the space station, Eudial was able to slide her out from underneath with a generous application of grease. Unfortunately she was pretty much stuck this way until Malcolm or the Professor could reset her program. There were some definite disadvantages to being a "solid" hologram... a point which was dramatically reinforced when Cyprine flipped her frisbee-style through the slightly open window of Zor's car--commandeered for picnic purposes--for safekeeping while they prodded the wreckage. After a few minutes, the novelty of a space station landing in the middle of the park had worn off and everyone was on their way. It's not like a space station was really their jurisdiction anyway, they fought monsters and evil phone companies and mad scientists; space stations crashing into parks should be handled by the police. * * * * * * The interviewer sat at his desk, reviewing the file of the young applicant, a Mister M. A. Xavier. Just one last thing to do before granting admissions. He summoned the young man in and showed him to the seat across from his desk. "So, you think you're Ikamori material?" the interviewer said, staring at him. Average height, weight, long brown hair tied back in a ponytail, bangs seemed a bit long in the front for a man, obviously bishounen, but not unacceptable. The only really odd feature about him was his silver eyes. Now the silver eyes themselves wouldn't be that unusual considering the students enrolled at Ikamori Academy, it was the fact that they seemed to change colors ever so slightly. "I do," he replied, his voice cool and lacking any visible emotion. Short, and to the point. "And what gives you that impression, Mr. Xavier?" he shot back, fiddling with a pencil as he reviewed the young man's file. "You have the academic qualifications, I'll give you that, but that's not all it takes to be a student here at Ikamori. We look for the best and the brightest, the 'gifted' you could say." He didn't say a word, merely looking at the pencil held by the interviewer. A sense of calm about him as he stared intently at it. "Well?" he asked again, impatiently. "What makes you qualified to--" he was cut off mid-sentence as the pencil in his hand began to move, fight for its freedom, then spin around and fly straight up, embedding itself in the ceiling. "Are there any other questions?" the stranger said using that same cool voice. "Well now I'm not sure. It was a nice trick with the pencil but nothing extraordinary considering our present enrollment. Is that the limit of what you can do?" "See your can of pencils?" The interviewer looked down as the can began to shake, expelling a contents of about two dozen or so pencils in the process. They didn't get very far though, freezing in place a few inches from the can, then all at once they upended and flew into the ceiling, in the shape of a smiley face. "Better?" he replied. "Yes, I think that'll be all," he replied, surprised. "I'd just like you to take a few of our tests, if you show the same talent with them as you did here then I'd like to say... welcome to the Ikamori family." The interviewer rose, and extended his hand. The young student nodded, rising from his seat and accepting the proffered hand, then the interviewer collected his file and walked him to the door to finalize his admissions. He opened the door and they stepped out, walking down the hall past several doors with various administrative titles on them, and stopping in front of one door aptly labeled "Entrance Exams". "Here we are," the interviewer said, "and this is where I take my leave of you, good day and good luck Mr. Xavier," he finished, and handed the file over to him, then turned and retreated back to his office. He entered the room to find it was indeed rather large. Not huge mind you, but a good size nonetheless. Several tables were littered throughout the room with various things upon them, seated at one of these tables was another of Ikamori's fine staff. He sat down in a chair across from the aforementioned Ikamori staff member. "Good morning. And your name is?" she inquired pleasantly. "Just call me Max," the young man replied, as he handed over his file. "I'm here to finalize my admission." "Well then, you've come to the right place. Alright Max, I believe you know how this works." he said, gesturing with his hands to the spread of cards on the table before him. "I hold up a card, face to me, and you have to tell me what card I'm holding. Circle, Cross, Square, Star, or Wavy Lines." "Zener cards," Max replied. "Correct?" "Yes, now all you have to do is get three in a row--a statistical improbability--to meet this requirement of admissions. Let's not waste any time, shall we?" the woman said, raising the first card. "Star," Max replied. "Good good, how about this one?" she asked, holding up another card. "Circle," he replied again, wondering if they really did this to all their prospective transfer students. Max sighed, he could see this would take awhile. Trivial though the tests were, they were a necessary part of his admission to this school. Ikamori Academy, he knew something was going on here, or had been going on here, but what could it be? James was close, that much he knew. He'd be glad when the day was over and he could retire to his new room. Max was shaken from his thoughts as his most recent examiner queried yet again. "And this one?" she continued, another card in hand. "Square," he answered. Unfortunately he had no time for pretenses, no time to pretend he was lucky, he needed into Ikamori and he needed in now. "Correct, I can see you're very talented. You might like the Basic Non-Verbal Communications course, it's one of the freshman pre-requisites." "Sounds interesting," he replied offhand, eyes wandering over the woman before she spoke again. She was quite lovely, he thought to himself. "In the meantime, there are just a couple more tests that need to be done..." Weren't there always? If he weren't trying to be civil, Max would've groaned. * * * * * * Meanwhile, the Evil Sisters were on their knees being berated by a very, very angry little Furby indeed. "YOU INCOMPETENT CRETINS! I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF USING WORMS OR SNAILS OR EVEN, GOD HELP ME, CUSTOMERS! YOU JUST SENT A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SATELLITE DOWN IN FLAMES AND RUINED OUR BEST OPPORTUNITY TO GET OUR WORST ENEMIES OUT OF THE WAY!! WE CAN'T EVEN TRACK THEM ANYMORE!!!!" The Furby paused in its tirade, ominous heavy-breathing sounds coming from it and a small rill of smoke curling from its beak. "Fools," it said more quietly, "now we shall have to carry out our plans the hard way. It's going to be very difficult to find Unisys with the FSC in our way. Fortunately, providing solutions for the next millenium is my business. Tomorrow morning MacrosoftOnline's Boxes '99 will make its first release; every nerd in the city will be on the scene to snap up his copy and upgrade his system. Due to some... unfortunate... incidents, there will only be one computer store in net.Tokyo open tomorrow morning to receive and retail the new OS. You, my Peter-Principled minions, will be staffing this location and will drain these desperate fools of their energy and search their Inner Nerd Memory Cards for the hated Unisys; there must be one pure enough of Nerdiness to be an appropriate host." "Yes, Master 404!" The Sisters chorused reverently. They waited patiently. "And you're damned lucky the null field on board the satellite came back online, those meddlesome FSC were almost tipped off." The Sisters just stood in front of the furby and nodded, afraid to speak up, lucky indeed. "Well? What are you waiting for? GET TO WORK, MINIONS!" The Furby snapped after several minutes. The Sisters stood up hastily, and immediately fell over, since their legs had long since fallen asleep from kneeling for so long. After the blood began to circulate in their legs again, the Sisters bustled around the lair making preparations. Seano began lighting candles in a circle, while Hereno and Speekno dug up the boom box and an old tape. Duno turned off the lights and brought a bunch of bananas over to their circle. Solemnly, each of the sisters sat crosslegged and smeared their faces and chests with banana, ash, and candle-wax. Hereno inserted the tape into the boom box and pushed "play". Seano, who was leading the ceremony, began to chant. "Oh, great Primates, grant us thy servant! We, your children, beseech you..." "Grant us a servant of strength and speed and cunning from the primordia of our kind!" "SEND US PROSIMIAN Y2K!" There was a flash of light and a sound reminiscent of 500 monkeys screeching all at once. When the light faded, there was a large clay statue of a grimacing, vaguely tarsier-like creature with a slot in its forehead. Reverently, Seano removed a 3.5" floppy disk labeled "Prosimia v. 1.0" from her cleavage and inserted it into the slot in the Prosimian's forehead. The statue glowed red, then doubled in size; the clay was replaced by fur and flesh, and a crate MSO logo on its chest. It stood and flexed its long, taloned fingers; then it bared its fangs and screeched "Y2K!!" * * * * * * Deep inside NegaTech Labs, lights were flashing and doodads were making noises they were programmed to make, and a very put-out Viluy was laying rather flat on a workbench; too flat in her opinion. "How much longer do I have to be stuck like this Malcolm?" asked Viluy, her lips moving in a very two-dimensional manner on the surface of the disc. "Not much longer now dear, I'm almost finished." Malcolm replied, scanning her and then making his way over to one of the consoles. "I don't know, I kind of like her like that." Cyprine began. "She'll be so much more fun to play with." Puchirol chimed in. Malcolm looked up from the console, "You know you two, if you're not going to help you can always leave." "But we're bored!" they protested in unison. "Ah, that's it!" Malcolm exclaimed, more to himself than to the twins, as he finished at the console. He brought a small device over to the table and passed it over the Viluy pancake, punched a few keys on it, and presto! Viluy found herself sitting on the table, she was three-dimensional once again. "Oh Malcolm!" Overjoyed, she threw her arms around him and kissed him. "Thank you!" "Anything for you dear, next time watch out for falling space stations." he chuckled, and she kissed him again, this time with a little added spark. "Mmm... Viluy dear, you do realize you were still covered in grease? Look at what you've done to my labcoat!" Viluy flushed a nice shade of red, quite an interesting effect on a hologram, and then turned on the twins. "Play frisbee with me will you!" she screamed, as she sent small bursts of electricity their way, which forced them to make a hasty retreat. Then she turned back to Malcolm. "How about you and I get cleaned up?" she asked as seductively as her programming would allow. This time it was Malcolm's turn to blush. * * * * * * It was after sundown by the time Max had finished with all the fuss of the admissions process. There were registration papers, transfer forms, class enrollment... it had been a long day but he'd managed to do it, he was now enrolled in Ikamori Academy. He still had to buy his books though, and find out where all of his classes were. Someone had shown him to his room in the dormitory, and he was unpacking his clothes and other assorted things that made the empty room seem more like home. Home, it seemed like so far away. Max placed his clothes in the dresser and the closet, a walk-in that just seemed a little out of place in a college dorm room. The campus looked so old yet a lot of things about it were very new. He unpacked a few posters and reached for one when there was a knock at the door. "Just a minute," Max called, putting it back down and heading for the door. He opened it to find a couple of students. "Hi there, you just moved in?" the young man asked. "Yes," Max replied, "I'm still trying to get everything settled." He motioned to the slight mess on the bed. He stared over Max's shoulder to see what kind of mess he was talking about. "Do you need any help?" he offered, "We're not doing anything at the moment." "Well, if you don't mind. I'm still worn out from admissions, I had no idea a school could put you through so much before they tell you you're in." "I know what you mean, I remember when me and Nik--" He was cut off with a jab to the ribs before he could utter the next syllable, he continued after a light wheeze, "--went through admissions. By the way, I'm Mike and this is Nik." "I'm Max, nice to meet you Mike," he offered his hand, shaking Mike's then turning to Nik, "and you too Nik. Please, come in." He sniffed the air. Curious, but he wasn't going to broach the subject. Max stood aside, inviting the two new friends (or at least he hoped they would be) into his room. "Well, if the the layout weren't exactly like ours I'd be impressed, but I like what you've started doing with the place." Nik offered, looking over at the shelf and noticing the amount of anime and manga that was on it. "I understand, thanks," Max replied, taking the compliment. "Well, let's get started," Mike said, taking hammer in one hand, nails in the other. "Nice idea to have your posters framed." "Yeah, if you knew how many times whole groups of them came down thanks to the adhesive on the tape wearing out..." Mike nodded agreement, apparently he'd been through the painful experience himself. "Would you guys like anything to drink?" Max offered, being a courteous host. Nik perked up. "I'll take a Diet Coke if you've got one." "And you Mike?" "None thanks, I'm fine." Max went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and grabbed a Diet Coke for Nik and an iced tea for himself. He tossed the Diet over to Nik, who was sitting on the bed, just as Mike had just finished hanging the last poster. "How's that?" "Looks great, thanks." Max replied, glancing appreciatively at the posters now covering the walls. "You must've done this before." "You should see our room sometime," he replied, "I don't think we have quite this many but there's still a lot." Nik popped open the can and took a quick gulp, then reached for the remote near her and tried to turn the TV on. When nothing happened, she called, "I think your remote is broken." It was then that Max remembered something he'd left on the bed and quickly, without trying to draw too much attention, moved closer to the bed and Nik. "That's not the TV remote," he said, masking the worry in his voice, "it's over here." He grabbed the remote from on top of the dresser, almost behind the television, and handed it to Nik. "Then what's this one for?" she asked. "It's my Universal Remote, but there's no batteries in it yet. I always keep it around just in case the regular one decides to up and die on me." Max replied, hoping she bought it. "Oh, right," Nik said and took the remote, handing the other one to Max, then flipping on the TV, looking for something interesting. While she was occupied watching Cartoon Network, Max took the remote and stuffed it into the closet for safe-keeping. Max then took a seat on the bed and watched some TV with the pair for a couple hours, before they had to leave; they were mentioning something about dinner plans. They thanked Max for his hospitality, and then they were on their way. After the two were gone, Max collapsed on the bed and yawned. It had been a long day, and it wasn't quite over yet. He still had to find James. No rest for the weary. He removed a small device from his pocket and punched a few keys on it, it bleeped and then a door of light opened in front of Max at the foot of the bed. Sighing, he got up and stepped through it, and then it was gone. * * * * * * "White boy! More soda!" Tom screamed. The evil neko had made him miss Shaft... SHAFT! Sure, he liked that tape of Tommy Davidson too but this was getting ridiculous! That demon spawn had kept him busy getting him soda and when he had run out the cat sent him out for more! Chad was making the best of it though, he had made an arrangement with the feline tormentor to give him the soda poured in a dish like a normal cat would take milk; poking a hole in the can made such a mess and a mess took time to clean up, time he could be getting Tom soda... or so he reasoned with the cat. To Chad's delight Tom had agreed. Of course this gave Chad an excellent opportunity, so while he was was in the kitchen preparing Tom's latest dish he slipped some sleeping pills into it and let them dissolve. Chad wasn't extremely intelligent but he was pretty smart despite what his grades may reflect. He thought about who he was dealing with, then poured the whole bottle in. "White boy! Now!" Tom snarled from the living room. "Coming..." Chad called back, "you pain in the ass..." he added under his breath. Chad came back into the room with the dish, Tom was still watching that damn tape. This had better work or he'd miss the late showing of Shaft. He set the dish down in front of Tom and the cat started lapping it up. <"As if the real world ain't scary enough! I don't know why we come back to some of these movies ... Friday the 13th, I don't know why people keep coming back to that movie, Jason ain't gonna die! Why do they keep coming back to this camp? If Jason stabbed thirteen teenagers ass off last summer, why the hell are they going back? Hoping for a better summer?"> "I love this part!" Tom laughed, then lapped up some more. Chad waited patiently, this had better take effect soon or he was dead. If the cat noticed it tasted a little different or if he even suspected anything he was equally dead. <"They get to the camp, they're roasting hot dogs, they don't even get a hint!" *does the Jason Voorhees noise* That doesn't mean 'Let's roast another hot dog,' that means we have at least 30 seconds until homeboy with a hockey mask stabs your ass off! But they're still there *makes the Jason noises again* "Umm, Brandon I here something!" "Yo Emily, you don't hear nothing! Why don't you just chill?"> "AH HAH HAH HAH, AH HAH HAH HAH, AH HAH HAH--" Tom stopped abruptly, then fell face first into the dish. Chad approached him warily, poking him. When he received no response, he picked the cat up by the scruff of the neck and tossed him in the closet, locking the door. Having rid himself of that annoyance, he sat back down on the couch and decided to turn on some TV. If he was lucky he could catch an episode of Red Dwarf or Doctor Who, anything to help him forget about the evil cat who had made him miss Shaft. With the television running, Chad drifted off to sleep. Suddenly there was a flash of light, waking him from his much needed rest. There at the foot of his bed stood the translucent figure of Crimsonjacket. Chad crawled down the bed to get a closer look, kneeling before the specter. The ethereal form of Crimsonjacket extended a finger, touched it to Chad's forehead and whispered, "Remember." With a wet thud, Chad's head exploded. Crimsonjacket's ghostly eyes widened. "Oh crap!" He then looked around for witnesses and, seeing none, put on a Home Depot hat and jumpsuit. He zipped up the jumpsuit saying "I'd better get to work," and quietly opened the bedroom window and dove out. Chad awoke in a cold sweat, heart racing, laying on the couch, a commercial for the new Boxes'99 OS by MacrosoftOnline, to be released tomorrow morning. Reaching for the remote, Chad turned the TV off, then got up and went to the closet. He put his ear to the door, listening carefully for any signs of movement; hearing none he opened the door slowly, cautiously and saw an unconscious Tom still snoring away. A headache hit Chad suddenly, sending him staggering back a few feet until he hit the wall, flashes of imagery flooding back to him in a jumbled mess. It all seemed so familiar. He saw blurs of gold and green, violet and... blue, there was definitely blue. He saw guys around his age, all dressed as superheroes should be, and he was their leader. The base, he knew it, controls and blinking lights, and over them... He saw another, different; a mentor, a father figure, and then in a flash of light he was dead. They were all dead. The base was in ruins, his friends were dead, and someone else... there, in the base, laughing. It was an evil laugh, a spine-shivering, bone-chilling type of laugh. He knew that too, he didn't want to know it, didn't care to know it, would be content to have never heard it at all... but he had, and it scared him. It scared him a lot. It was then that the lock on the door to his apartment flicked open, then the deadbolt did too. The doorknob slowly turned, and the door began inching open with a creak. "Who's there?" Chad called warily into the unknown. With that, the door suddenly flung open, startling Chad. When he saw who stood in the doorway... "No way, it can't be!" Chad shook his head, throbbing again with buried memories trying to surface. * * * * * * * * * * * * "Yes, it can. It's me James, it's Max." "No, you're not real, none of it was real!" Chad held his hands to his ears and shook his head. "My name is Chad and I go to Ichiban High with Jen and Eunuch and..." "No you don't. Your name is James Nelson and you go to the Academy with me and all your friends." "I've never been to Ikamori!" "No, not Ikamori Academy. James, try to remember where you come from!" "Stop calling me that! My name is Chad!" "Yeah, you're an ex-rockstar who decides to crash at a shrine because you have the hots for the priestess who works there? Don't make me have to jog your memory!" "But I'm not--" Chad was cut off as Max hit him over the head. Chad's eyes went vacant, an odd grin played over his face, and he fell to the ground like a ton of bricks. Max sweatdropped. "Oops, I think I jogged him too hard," he said sheepishly. It was then that Max heard a rustling in the closet, followed by a stream of cursing so extensive it made sailors look like priests. Max looked over at the unconscious James, and then back over to the closet door. His curiosity piqued, Max went over to the door to investigate. He tried the knob and found the door locked. No problem, with a quick thought to the lock, there was a click and the door opened. At that instant Max saw a blur of white leap for him, with a force that knocked him back against the wall. Before he could grab it, it had rebounded off his chest and made a break for the open front door. Max went to the doorway, his eyes scanned the night, but whatever it had been, it was already gone. Max made a mental note to investigate that white blur later, but for now he went over to James, who was still unconscious, and knelt down beside him. He pulled out a small device from within his pocket and held it up to James. It let out a low hum and several perky beeps as it read vitals. Everything seemed to be operating within normal parameters, and aside from the bump developing on his head he seemed to be fine. Nothing to explain this sort of amnesia. It was curious. He placed the device back in his pocket and made his exit quietly, leaving James there snoring. At around the same time, in another part of the city, a sinister fuzzy outline appeared in the window of one Jen Wand. Its glasses glowed as it peered in at her, presenting a silhouette close enough to "Gremlins" to get it sued by Warner Brothers. Angelic in sleep (as opposed to her waking state), she rolled over and sighed, her fingers twitching as though on a ghostly keyboard. If it could have, the Furby would have grinned. It had found its target, its pure computer nerd. * * * * * * Early the next morning at the Office Pit, by some strange chance the only computer store that was open that day, the Evil Sisters were busy discovering how difficult it can be to hide a tail with normal civilian clothing. "Darnit... can't just shove it in a pantleg, it SHOWS!" Speekno groused. "Maybe if we all tried to keep a shelf between us and our customers at all times..." Seano replied speculatively. "What did you do with the rest of the staff, anyway?" Hereno inquired, while experimenting with a loose, flowing skirt. It just didn't look very high-tech. "Hm? Oh... I knocked them out and stuffed them into the shipping boxes for the Apple G4s. Like anyone's ever gonna open THOSE." Duno giggled. Thirty minutes later, the Evil Sisters had settled on hakama and polo shirts with little MacrosoftOnline logos on them, and were ready to open for business. Meanwhile, outside, a yelling, teeming, shoving line of computer nerddom milled around in the parking lot, waiting impatiently for the Office Pit to open and their precious upgrade to be within grabbing distance. Most people who had computers and had seen that morning's news about Office Pit being the only computer store to recieve the upgrade not hit with a mysterious fire the night before had decided to stay at home and wait a few days or weeks before going to get *their* upgrade; only those very high on nerdity and rather short on sanity had braved the bloodthirsty mob and be among the first to get their very own copy of Boxes '99. "Remind me again why we're here." Wendy grumbled irritably. "To get the UPGRADE!" Jen replied perkily, stars in her eyes. The perkiness and the stars were both more-than-likely due to the triple espresso she had just snorked down, generously donated by Jessica from the Megaperk. A few feet away, the rest of the FSC huddled around the portable espresso machine, wrapped up in sleeping bags and in various states of wakefulness. "Why do you need an upgrade? Why do you need it TODAY? Why am I even here? I have an Apple!" Wendy sighed. "I need an upgrade so my computer won't implode in 2000. You and everyone else are here because you're my friends, and some of them need upgrades too. And why are you so cranky? Camping out here and stuff is an ADVENTURE! Don't you feel SPECIAL? We're going to be FIRST! Well, one of the first. Cheer up, you can get a new graphics program or something." Jen bounced on her toes and tried to get a look at the front doors of the Office Pit. Wendy sighed and looked dubious. She stared disapprovingly at Jen until it dawned on her that her coffee-jazzed cohort was totally oblivious, then smacked her upside the head. "You can't be serious." Wendy snorted, not in any kind of mood to be subtle. Jen looked guilty. Wendy took a moment to look over her shoulder, staring back to their makeshift refugee camp, where Sarah was trying to get Freddy to quit snoring and Nikki was attempting to create a Diet Coke IV hookup. "Weeeelllllll....." "Well, WHAT?" she said, turning back to Jen. "The first one thousand customers get their very own Beanie Pokemon! They're SOOOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" Jen shrieked happily. Wendy facefaulted. While she was struggling to rearrange her features back into an expression of cool disdain, the glass doors of the Office Pit began to slide apart. "EEEEEEEEEE! THEY'RE OPENING!" Jen shrieked. "COME ON, EVERYBODY!" * * * * * * Meanwhile, somewhere in suburban net.Tokyo, an ocelot was prowling across green lawns and over garden gnomes. Managing to look singularly unhappy with her lot in life despite the feline features, Sodalite skulked about the neighborhood looking for something to eat. She paused on top of a wall and regarded the furiously yapping chihuahua in a well-trimmed backyard with intense interest, licking her chops. *Mmmmm... naaaaah. Never know where the furry little sucker's been.* As Sodalite was padding moodily under a see-saw, her instincts were telling her something was wrong. She was being watched, the hair on her back stood up and her tail tensed. She gave a hiss and it was then that she heard a high-pitched, joyful voice from the other side of the playground that stopped her in her tracks. "Kitty!" Chibi-Jen exclaimed delightedly. Sodalite took one horrified look at the maniacal toddler speeding toward her, and ran for her life. In happier times, Sodalite would grudgingly admit that her ocelot form had a few advantages; better dexterity, cool nightvision, and who'd ever arrest a *cat* for walking around someone's property. And most of those civilians were horrible shots, anyway... But now, she just hated this form. Bad enough that two faced witch Mimet had tricked her, but now there was the added humiliation (plus definite threat to life and furry limb) of being chased by a (in her scientific opinion) complete and raving nut. At least she had the 'cat like dexterity' she'd always heard about. Chibi-Jen, for her part, was in full 'target acquisition/capture' mode. It was so playful, darting around like that, leaping from rooftop to rooftop... For a better view, let us decend into the mind of Chibi Jen for a moment, to fully understand how she sees the world. We see before us a screen we might expect of a robot and not of a toddler, with pink text scrolling down the left-hand side, and a cross-hair sight aimed at poor unfortunate Sodalite. At the bottom of the screen we see the words 'TARGET ACQUIRED' flashing intermittantly in a dark pink hue. Down the left side: PRIMARY TARGET: Cute Kitty Cat. DATA: VERY CUTE!!! MODE: PURSUIT/CAPTURE Through the Chibi-Vision, we can see flashes of Sodalite's tail as she just manages to evade Chibi Jen, through a market, across a busy intersection, past the Office Pit (yeah, that one), up a staircase, over two rooftops, and across the maglev tracks. The fact that the two are *outrunning* the Bullet Train is completely lost on the two. New text started scrolling down the left side of her vision. MODE: PURSUIT/CAPTURE POWER: DROPPING SUGAR LEVELS: DEPLETED... REPLENISH SOON . . NEW TARGET ACQUIRED SECONDARY TARGET: ICECREAM TRUCK CLOSING... Leaping out of Chibi Jen's mind (tight fit, no?), we see the little rugrat divert course slightly towards a Good Humour-san truck. Then *through* it, KO'ing the driver, and gathering a large assortment of chilled snacking foods, which were promptly consumed. Chase resumes, next passing the Momo-Jutsu Unarmed Combat school. "Remember student, your defense must extend in all directions, like the fuzz on a peach." Standing up, the young karate student began to refocus his attention. Master Potusa was a bit eccentric, but his style could not be beat. Soon, he would master the secrets of Peach-Fu, and then he would be ready to avenge-- "KITTY!" The course was suddenly interrupted by a largish cat darting through an open window, followed by a smallish brat, going through one wall, over the student, past the rest of the class, and through a second wall. The master watched all this calmly, then said "You still have much to learn, Mister Gruberman." * * * * * * This just in from the M-5 news room, broadcasting live (and definitiely NOT from New York) "...and nerds from all over the city have descended on the Office Pit, hoping to get their first copy of Macrosoft Boxes '99. No one has made any mention of whether there is any connection between this sudden and inexplicable act of good will from the people of Office Pit and the inexplicable destruction of all the other computer stores carrying Macrosoft products in the town. Computer pundit Biff Standard had no comment to make, as he accidentally drove out of his driveway this morning and into an omnibus. James?" "Thank you, Jessie, and now..." James stopped as he was handed a sheaf of papers. "This just in. Apparently, a series of reports are coming in about a pair of high speed objects are causing great amounts of chaos throuout the city. Police have released no official statement at this time, but have urged that people stay off the streets, as per the usual city-wide menace ordinance. And now, the weather with..." * * * * * * Somewhere in net.Tokyo. Just follow the debris field, people.... Sodalite's thoughts ran roughly along lines that involved Chibi-Jen, Mimet, pink hair dye, and all the anti-ChibiUsa groups that existed on Usenet. Stuff that'd make Torquemada queasy. She had pretty much used up all of her reserves, the demon-child was just too much. There was just no place left to go, except... Wait. THE SEWER! Yes, that's it, Sodalite thought to herself. She could lose herself in the sewers, all icky and ugly, no chibi-class child would ever go near a place like that. And if she avoided the toxic waste backup, she could make it into the Professor's lab. She just had to cross the street... But, there was a miscalculation. Sodalite had expended so much energy that her initial leap fell short, and she landed in a lane of oncoming traffic. There was an assortment of horns, a screeching of brakes, but she knew it was too late... With a jolt, a pair of hands grabbed her, and dragged her across the road to safety. Strong hands, she noticed, firm, with a sure grip. Briefly, she wondered if it was that cute astronomer from the local observatory, the one that kept saying he saw a comet, and a princess on the moon. He was cute, Sodalite admitted to herself, and this day might be worth it if someone like him grabbed her. Heart in her throat, she twisted around in her saviour's grasp to see... Chibi-Jen. "Pretty Kitty." I'm in hell, Sodalite thought. * * * * * * A desk in the middle of a forest. Behind the desk, JOHN CLEESE sits, reading a newspaper. Looking up, he sees the camera, and puts down the paper. "And now, the punchline." * * * * * * Wand Household, that afternoon. Her latest acquisition in hand, Chibi Jen pranced up to the front door of her home, completely unaware of the life and death struggle that had taken place at the Office Pit. Opening and entering the house, she announces, in a teeth rottingly cute voice "I'm home!" Looking into the room, Mrs. Wand sees Chibi Jen. "Hello there. You know, you should really let us know before you go off with friends to play. We were really... Oh my, is that an ocelot?" "Pretty kitty, mama! Can I keep it?" During this exchange, Sodalite quietly reflected on the hell that this day had been. No, this transcended Hell, this went right into that time she had tried to debug Marvel Comics continuity for a friend. The playground, and being duct taped to a swingset, and swinging around, and around, and around. The candy store, being stuffed with more sugar than a normal fanfic writer has in a week. The baby clothes section of Valu-Village. The horror. The horror. As Sodalite ruminated, she felt a familiar change coming on. No! Not NOW!!! As Mrs. Wand conmtinued her lecture on how stray animals should be brought to the pound, she paused as she noticed the animal in Chibi-Jen's hand flouresced, undulated, then returned to the form of a human. An awkward silence followed, as the senior Wand attempted, and failed, several Kasumi checks. As the broom appeared in Mrs. Wand's hands, and the ex-ocelot went airborne (through the front wall), Sodalite's thoughts centered on one thing: "Mimet is gonna DIE!" Which is precisely what she was still thinking as she came to land on the sidewalk outside the Wand household. For a sidewalk, her landing didn't seem half as rough as it should've been, it was in fact rather soft and fuzzy. Curious, Sodalite picked herself up and investigated the spot where she had landed, only to find an unconscious white cat that had the horrible misfortune of passing by at that particular instant... and upon closer inspection... a black star on its forehead. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad day after all. Sodalite scooped up the unconscious feline and made her way back to her labcoat as quickly and as quietly as she could manage, and somehow managing to go unseen. Her luck was holding. She slipped her clothing back on, and looking down at the remains of her lunch she spied the can of Tab. Her fury renewed, seething, and she remembered a score that needed settled with a certain bleached-blonde... witch, though not the word she was really thinking of, it did rhyme with witch. * * * * * * After a long day and a somewhat restful night, Max thought he would spend today exploring the new city he now called home. He walked the streets of net.Tokyo, passing many sites that would be familiar to our readers. So, after grabbing a quick tea at the MegaPerk, he found himself standing at the front doors of--you guessed it--the Office Pit. Eager customers milled around the Office Pit, more-or-less in line to get their very own copy of MacroSoftOnline's Boxes '99. Duno manned the cash register, while a smiling Speekno handed out upgrades directly from the shipping crates and Hereno blocked the exits, making sure the software clutched in the customers' sweaty hands was in fact paid for. Seano was lurking just behind a shelf gripping a croquet mallet and waiting for JUST the right computer nerd to step up and get her copy; she was doing her very best to breathe very quietly and not move a muscle, and would have achieved total concealment if it weren't for the fact that her spiky, bright-red hairdo was sticking up above the shelves. Fortunately, the desperate nerds didn't much care, having already decided that the Office Pit staff was just a little bit off. "Did you see their outfits? UGH!" "Whoever did their hair, they should sue." "Guys," Wendy said, looking up from the Apple G4 display, "I think we've got a problem." To be concluded... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Sailor Says! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [FSC Closing Theme] Fighting evil by a New Moon, Winning love by a cool tune, Hoping that this theme song ends soon, She is the one named Sailor Newb! And no matter what the odds may portend, For the sake of good evil she'll fend, And 'cause her escape route was a dead end, She is the one named Sailor Newb! She is the one named Sailor Newb! She is the one... Sailor NEWB! (ewb ewb ewb) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------- -J. M. Howe yumekami@msn.com | ICQ: 1720476, AIM: Sapphrite Morpheus Productions: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/7305/ net.Edo: http://westwood.fortunecity.com/hermes/490/fsc/