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One of the hardest things in the world for a man and a woman is to lose a child. No matter when the child dies (whether before birth, at birth, or far into life) it is a devistating and debilitating situation. I speak from experience...not once, but three times. If you have lost a child recently (or even not so recently) the first thing that you should do is allow yourself to feel pain. Pain heals. Not quickly, but it does. However, there are some warning signs that you may not be grieving normally. If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, you should really seek help, whether it is with a grief counsellor (as my husband and I did and are still doing), a spiritual leader, a physician, a support group, or a psychologist.

HAVE YOU....

1. ...ever felt the need to dull pain with alcohol, drugs, or any other binging or addictive behaviour? (compulsive shopping, gambling, et. al all are included in this list)
2. ...felt yourself slip deep into depression? The warning signs can include but are not limited to: sleeping to the exclusion of daily life, over eating, non eating, loss of desires for anything, inablility to go about your daily routine, or complete apathy for loved ones and friends.
3. ...drifted apart from your partner?
4. ...had the lack of ability to communicate with your partner? (This includes silence OR arguing more than normal)
5. ...crying continuously? (Crying is a healthy sign of grieving, but should subside eventually.)
6. ...lost touch with reality? This might not be something you can answer, but your partner might be able to see.
7. ...had thoughts about harming yourself or others physically?

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Bringing the light back into your life...

It's not easy to see the light again after a child dies, but I am living proof that slowly, the warm rays break through the darkness. There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself along. They aren't that hard and you might see some improvement in your moods. However, don't rush yourself. This isn't a way to remove the pain. You must feel to heal. These are just little ways to help you along the long path. Sort of like "rest areas".

1. Open up your windows and let the sun shine in. Sunlight has a cheering effect. Better yet, sit on your porch or go for a short walk once a day.

2. Read a book. Yes, I know it is terribly hard to concentrate when you are grieving, however, if you read a book you are already familiar with, you don't have to pay so much attention. If you don't have the attention span for a whole book, try short magazine article.

3. Get a pet. This isn't something to do lightly however. Talk it over with your partner. In time, when you are ready emotionally for the responsiblity of an animal, a pet can offer comfort that sometimes no human being can.

4. Buy yourself a stuffed animal to sleep with. One of the worst parts of coming home from the hospital without a child is the intense desire to hold that baby. My husband bought me a rag bunny rabbit and for three months, I slept with it tucked under my arm. Believe it or not, it was very comforting.

5. Spend a day pampering yourself. Get your hair done. Get a manicure and a pedicure. Buy youself a new dress. After the emotional rollercoaster you have been on (and will be on for some time), you deserve something for you!

6. Write! Write! WRITE!!! Journalling is a fantastic way to release emotions safely. These are your private thoughts and you can write anything you want. No one will read it so let it flow. Draw, write poetry, write letters to your child, anything you want!

7. Talk to other mothers and fathers that have lost a child. There is comfort out there for you in the form of other people just as devestated as you. Consult your local telephone directory or, better yet, call your local hospital to find out if there is a support group near you.

8. If you are unable to bring yourself out of deep depression, consult your family physician. I'm not saying this is the best for all, but sometimes help can come from the pharmacy. What people like us suffer from is called "Acute or Situational Depression". It means that we are depressed because of a specific event. Had this event not occured, there would be no depression. Antidepressants for acute depression are not forever. You aren't "crazy" and you won't be labeled as such. I am currently on 50mg. of Zoloft a day for acute depression. I've taken the opinion of "better living through chemisty". However, make sure to enter counselling if you go on an antidepressant. Meds are not a cure all. They just help you handle intense emotions so you can work them out with a professional.

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What to do if a friend has lost a child...

Although some of you will never know the pain of losing a child (and I hope you never have to know), you may know of someone who has. I wrote this letter to Dear Abby a few weeks after I lost my daughter. My friends and family didn't know what to say and sometimes, they said things that hurt, even though they didn't mean it. This letter was written to help friends and family members of a family who lost their child how to help ease pain and not add to it.

Dear Abby
by Rowan Sterling

Dear Abby,
On February 22, 1997, my husband and I lost our baby daughter Gabrielle at 23 weeks of pregnancy. She lived for two hours before she passed away peacefully. She was too little to survive.

We have received an outpouring of support during our initial grieving period, but there were a few things that were said to us that were very inappropriate They weren't necessarily inappropriate, but timing is the key. While it is comforting to hear such things about Heaven, reincarnation, God, and the Goddess, sometimes it can result in anger if it is too soon after a loss. As a mother who has lost three babies during pregnancy, I am getting quite used to some of the responses we have gotten over our losses. Abby, I know they are well meaning as a way of attempting to comfort the bereaved parents, but I think sometimes they can hurt more than they help. Please let me remind some of your readers on some of the how to and how not to comfort a man and woman who have just lost their baby.

Please don't say "You're young, you can have another." Abby, we don't want another. We want the baby we lost.

Please don't say "Well, they needed another angel in Heaven." While it is comforting to know that our baby is now an angel, faerie, or a spirit looking over us, depending on when you offer this sort of comfort we may not react too well to this. We want her here with us on Earth. Sometimes we feel that we needed her more than God or the Goddess possibly ever could.

Please don't say "You're lucky you didn't get to know her before she died." Abby, yes we did. She was in my body for 6 months. She lived, moved, and communicated in her own little way. My husband held her closely for the two hours she lived. He got to know her too in a special way.

Please don't say "It's nature's way of weeding out the weak or sick". Abby, no child is a waste no matter how "weak" or "sick" it is. I could have looked forward to a life love from a child, sick or not. Ask many of the families that care for and love terminally ill or chronically ill children.

Please don't say "If you need anything, call me". Many bereaved parents can't take a daily shower let alone pick up a phone and call for help. If you are close to the person who has experienced a loss, make it a point to call every few days just to see if you are needed.

Please DO say "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." Sometimes it is more comforting to know that your friends or family are truly at a loss for words. Applying false sympathy or empathy can infuriate a bereaved parent, adding to the anger they already feel for their loss. It is better to say "I don't know what to say." than to say something that might hurt.

Please DO send a sympathy card to acknowledge their loss and pain. While they may be emotional and not what a bereaved parent wants to see right away, it is the best way to say "I care and I'm sorry." Nothing is worse than losing a baby and thinking no one seems to care to take $1 our of their wallet and five minutes to send a letter or card. Sympathy cards are also helpful way to begin or complete a baby remembrance book.

Abby, let your readers know that there are many other things a friend or family member can do to help. They can listen. I've found myself needing to talk about what happened. My best friend has sat on the phone with me for hours just listening. Call the child by name if the parents have given one. Saying "the baby" or "it" dehumanizes the tiny human being that was your child. When a child dies at a year or 10 years, people refer to that child by their name. It should be no different for a baby who lives only a few days, hours, or
who was born still.

If you are a close friend, make the time and effort to try and do all that is asked of you (and a few things that might not be asked). My best friend and my mother took quite a few hours out of their day to come and help put away the baby things before I got home from the hospital. I couldn't do it myself and I didn't want to come home to a cradle that would not be filled. They also took the time to clean my house (better than I ever did), make a few meals and store them, and see to phone calls on the first day after the obituary was in the paper, accept flowers, cards, and gifts sent to us in sympathy.

There is no easy way (if any) to help a family grieve for a child that was lost during pregnancy or shortly after birth, but if you remember to think about what you are saying and doing before you say or do it, you can save the bereaved parents from a little more pain than is already there.

Sign me Empty Cradle in Pennsylvania

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Getting Help Online

I have visited these pages many times as I walked the road through pain, heartbreak, saddness, anger, and grief. These sites have become very special to me and have helped to heal.

SIDS Network home page
Virtual Memorials
WEBster's Death, Dying and Grief Guide
PCR site
Heavenly Playground: where children are forever playing
Pregnancy Infant Loss Miscarriage Stillbirth
Infanlos Family Homepage
Pictures of Love- Sharing pictures of our forever babies

This link is for all that wish to see my darling baby girl...(My first born daughter Meghan is shown on the family page as well!!)
In Loving Memory of Gabrielle

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This was given to me by a dear friend on Gabrielle's One Year Anniversary. Thank you Chris and Tammy

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