New Life Creations

WALKING ON WATER
Amanpreet had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Amanpreet (which means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages) told Brian (which means "Amanpreet" in several languages).
Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Amanpreet stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Lizard Pecker Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother Pecker took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand- father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

THE COLLEGE GRADUATE
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

THE FARMER & THE DOCTOR
An old farmer, really tight with a dollar, stopped in to visit his doctor for the first time in many years.
The doctor said, "It's a good thing you came in Abner, I've been wanting to see you."
"Why ???" asked the farmer. "Are you broke ???"

HODGE-PODGE OF JOKES
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said, "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
:+)))))(((((+:
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault! Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be *THIS* mad."
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"An Overweight Blonde"
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
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"Strenuous Diet?"
Mr. Lee (a blond?) was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet. The Doc said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When Mr. Lee returned for the next visit, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 60 pounds! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "You mean from hunger?" "No, from skipping."
:+)))))(((((+:
Q. Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A. She thought it was diet coke!
:+)))))(((((+:
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered. "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes."
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"Protective Computer Gear"
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive. "Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses." By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be): "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
:+)))))(((((+:
"Old Pilot"
There was an aged pilot who was known for being obnoxious. Not only did the flight attendants hate him for his crude remarks but the other pilots despised him for giving all pilots a bad name. Seems he was particularly infamous for calling the flight attendants in their hotel rooms shortly after reaching the layover hotel. This call was generally an indecent proposal. Although this proposition was universally declined, he obviously maintained hope that some day his luck would change. One evening after a long day he made his regular phone call to a young flight attendant who had been very nice to him all day. With hopes high he suggested that he come to her room. Being a new hire and impressed with his position of authority she somewhat reluctantly agreed on the condition that the other members of the crew be kept in the dark the following day. Our intrepid aviator gladly agreed to her terms. Thinking that he would make quick work of this neophyte he ran to the elevator all the while thinking of the bragging rights that he would soon have. Reaching her room he found the door ajar. Upon entering he heard the shower running. The young but not so innocent flight attendant called out to him, "You'll find some wine on the desk. Why don't you pour a couple of glasses and join me for a shower?" No t believi ng his good fortune his trembling hands poured the wine and tore off his clothes. Fully at attention and with a drink in both hands he threw open the bathroom door. Inside he found the beautiful young flight attendant and the rest of the flight crew, fully clothed.
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Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
:+)))))(((((+:
"Playing One's Age"
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don 't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Momen ts later, his at tention is grabbed by a great commotion at th e roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
:+)))))(((((+:
"Out Of Luck"
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and that didn't do him any good!"

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK
You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.
You might be a redneck if...you mow your lawn and find a car."
You might be a redneck if...you have ever been arrested for drunk driving on a bicycle.
You might be a redneck if you get caught staring down your female cousin's blouse at a family function.
You might be a redneck if your mom uses nose hair clippers to shave her armpits.
You might be a redneck if...your bass boat goes faster than the truck that you pull it with.
You might be a redneck if...you think a tackle box is something used in football.
You might be a redneck if...you squirt the tv when the wrestlers you dont like come out.
You might be a redneck if you have Hogans face stapled on to your dart board.
You might be a redneck if...Your name is steven... and you think havin more cats than dogs means yur a redneck. Havin cats is better than dogs, they bury their shit. They bathe themselves and steve never bathes, kinda like his dogs.
You might be a redneck if...you think that gameboy is the coolest electronic device u bought at a garage sale.
You might be a redneck if...U thought "yard Sale" meant that the yard's for sale."
You might be a redneck if...Your idea of going to the tanning booth is crawlin on top of your mobile home.
You might be a redneck if...If your driving down the sidewalk and say to yerself. Dang,this road sure is narrow!
You might be a redneck if...You think "Gluttony" is an eating disorder.
You might be a redneck if You go to the mall just to look at guys.
You might be a redneck if You worship "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
You might be a redneck if You have the UnderTaker's face tattooed on your arm and underneath, it says, "I am the Weaver Of Nightmares."
You might be a redneck if...your mom keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You might be a redneck if your grandma drives a 4x4.
You might be a redneck if...If you have more cats then you do have dogs."
You might be a redneck if...If it is colder in your house then it is outside in the winter.
You might be a redneck if...If you mow your lawn and find a missile with letters IRAQ on it.
You might be a redneck if...you have a redneck."
You might be a redneck if...You live in Tennessee and go to the court house to buy a marriage license to marry your car. The court clerk tells you that in Tennessee you can't marry your car unless it is your cousin.
You might be a redneck if...You own a WAFFLE HOUSE CREDIT CARD.
You might be a redneck if...You work on a roof all day long.
You might be a redneck if...You have a cardboard cut out of Dale Earnhardt in your living room!!!!!!!!
You might be a redneck if...you and your spouse had your first dance at your wedding to "Dueling Banjos.
You might be a redneck if...the band at your wedding consisted of someone playing a banjo, a jug, and a washboard.
You might be a redneck if...you have a picture of yourself decoupaged on your belt buckle.
You might be a redneck if... your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You might be a redneck if... Your front yard looks like toys r us after a tornado.

How the Film Industry Keeps us Well Informed, OR ....
Things We Would Never Know Without the Movie Industry
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Most dogs are immortal.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. And the Capitol dome is visible from all windows in Washington, D.C.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
Kitchens don't have light switches.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child

WHAT I USE AOL DISKS FOR

Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates)
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Attach it to a ruler and.... - you've got a fly swatter!
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Solar Eclipse Glasses, open door and look through disk at the sun/moon--actually works!
The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case...the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
Dog chew toy.
Pooper scooper.
Wrist slicer - after receivi ng first AOL bill (use metal door).

JOB APPLICANT SPEAK
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots ofcigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Prayer For The Stressed
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
5% on Fridays

and help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

REAL SIGNS FOUND IN ENGLAND:
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
RE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS.
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
SO TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF No fucking way!!
TRY SAYING Really?
INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING (THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY GOOD)
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF This job sucks.
TRY SAYING You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING I see.
INSTEAD OF Blow me.
TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!!!
TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Life Imponderables FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it sent on ICQ.